People always remember how you made them feel

“People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel.” Maya Angelou

Lately I have encountered people from all walks of life, all backgrounds, intellectual capabilities and beliefs. I am finding it amazing to watch how people interact with each other. Some people want to have the one up over others. Dominate. Over power. Impress. People tend to want to prove they are smarter than others rather than accepting that at some point each one of us will be at a loss compared to others around us because that’s just the way life is. It is give and take. Yin and Yang.

The wise words of Maya Angelou  reminded me that often we focus on trying to impress rather than embrace each other. Have aggression rather than empathy. What I know for sure is I always get a good feeling for a person that makes me feel comfortable, heard, and wanted. It doesn’t matter how clever the person is or what the person does. We all tend to open up more when we feel like we are being listened to, cared for, and respected. Some people believe they will be remembered for what they did or what they said. And in some cases they will but only if they are able to touch a place in the hearts of others.

There are many people running around thinking they are experts, champions in this game called life because they believe they possess the intellectual capability and power to win people over. Intellect only opens doors when it opens and warms hearts.

Have you ever wondered why a woman like Oprah Winfrey, a man like Ghandi, a woman like Mother Theresa or a man like Nelson Mandela could become household names when they do not fit the bill of what the world perceives to be perfection? The reason why these people have been able to do so is because they make and made people feel good. Gave them hope. Faith. Love. Direction and Trust.

So the next time you are trying your hardest to win someone over try doing it by first feeling good about yourself so you can radiate that light onto that person who in turn will remember how good you made them feel.

As one of my favourite poets of all times, Maya Angelou, says, “People may not remember what you did or said but they will always remember how you made them feel.”

Think about the people that have made a difference in your life. Think about why they have made such a difference. Think about it and what you will realise is it is not because they said or did anything earth shattering. Rather it is because of the way they made you feel. Validated. Important. Loved. Heard.

Remember real power comes not from what you say or do but rather from how you make others feel.

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Energy flows where attention goes

“Energy flows where attention goes.”

I read this quote last night twice and when I came back to it the third time I realised I was meant to explore it by writing about it. I also realised just how true this statement is because the mere thought of this quote drew my attention to it and my energy as well.

We are what we think is also another phrase that comes to mind further validating this quote. Wherever we put our attention that’s where we will be. That’s what our thought process will be. That’s what we will be.

Lately I have been a bit down about my weight, fixating on how tight my clothes feel. My middle age figure taking over my girl figure seemingly overnight. I am constantly calling myself fat and feeling fat so much so I am beginning to think and feel like an overweight person. I am reaching for food I never would have eaten before – chocolate, instantly makes my face break out, breads, pizza, fried foods, all things that will make me bigger rather than smaller.

This quote has made me realise I will continue to gain weight if I am fixated on thinking of myself as an overweight person rather than thinking of myself as thin. The only way I will adjust my eating patterns and eat the way I used to eat so my clothes feel comfortable on me once again is to change my mindset.

We are what we eat. We are what we think. Energy flows where attention goes. All this to say if we adjust our mindset we can become whatever it is we want to become. Focusing on what we want rather than on what we don’t want will lead us to where we feel the most content. The most joy. The most peace.

Energy flows where attention goes – my mantra for today so I won’t reach for that 3 o’clock sugar boost or second guess myself when I know I am doing the right thing despite what someone else says. It’s worth a try anyway.

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A weekend to remember

I have to say I spent the last day and a half with my husband at Tucker’s Point celebrating our 20^th wedding anniversary together in absolute bliss. Just the two of us like the couple that met and fell in love some 22 years ago. It was divine, heaven sent. And absolutely and totally what the doctor ordered.

I did not write my blog yesterday because I decided to spend the time with my husband. No computers. No television. No blackberries. Just the two of us. It was blissful. Though I have to admit I was writing the whole time in my mind. Looking at the scenery, the people, the special moments my husband and I shared. Each thought, sight, sound forming a sentence in my head. A story. A tribute. But I had to let the thoughts pass because I did not want to interrupt our time.

The time away was a surprise for my husband and it turned out better than I ever expected. We arrived at the beautiful Tucker’s Pont at 2.20 in the afternoon on Saturday. We were greeted by the doorman with a warm and friendly welcome. My husband went to park the car which gave me the opportunity to finalise all the surprises I had in store for him. The welcome by the reception desk was unbelievable.

I was told Alex, the lady I had made all the plans with, had upgraded us to a suite for our 20^th anniversary. Lovely. Then Mr. Paul Telford came out to tell how the evening was going to work out. I felt so special knowing everyone at the hotel was as excited as I was about our anniversary celebration.

We then went to our suite which was stunning and tastefully done – almost like something out of Martha’s Vineyard. High ceilings. Old world decor. Cosy yet roomy. Oozing just that bit of romance so desired at a time like that. Then to add to the ambiance, our suite overlooked Castle Harbour and was in the lee of the wind. We stood on the balcony looking out at the blue ocean, feeling like we had totally escaped from the everyday and had stepped into an oasis of love. The colours of the Bermuda ocean are like no other blue anywhere else in the world. We breathed in the beautiful scenery. Hugging each other. Grateful for each other and the abundance in our lives.

Next on the agenda was a couple massage in the amazing spa. The spa is nestled in its own wing in the hotel with a pool and garden area to die for.  We were met by our masseuses and spent the next 80 minutes being pampered and relaxed. After our massages, we sat out in the lounge chairs surrounding a long rectangular fountain pool flowing ever so gently. Listening to the soothing sounds of running water. Restful. Sublime. We sat under the most feminine pink umbrellas. So wistful and oh so romantic. Just the two of us again. No one else around. The sun was starting to fade a bit but was trying its best to give us its last burst of warmth as we lay enjoying every minute of the serenity we were surrounded by. Inhaling. Exhaling. Clutching each other’s hand. No words spoken. No words needing to be spoken. The atmosphere and love between us was more than any words that could be spoken at that moment.

We then went back to our room. Slowly this time. No rush. Allowing us to notice how elegant the hallway to our room was. Almost floor to ceiling windows along the left side of the hallway allowing the light to stream in, giving the feeling of endless space. The high ceilings. The wide hall giving an even more open and airy feeling. We stopped half way down the hall and took in the view from the double doors strategically placed so one could admire the infinity pool appearing not to end, flowing into the trees below then seemingly opening to Harrington Sound just beyond. Giving the feel of water, meeting woods, meeting the Sound. Beautiful. Pleasing to the eye. We hugged again.

Then we walked back to our room to find a note from Mr. Telford congratulating us on our 20^th anniversary with chocolate covered strawberries and a bottle of champagne chilled on ice. Aah we both exhaled. Popping open the bottle of champagne feeding each other strawberries as we sat on our balcony again taking in the breathtaking scenery many would die to experience. Gratitude. Love, Peace. Abundance. All in one.

We enjoyed our room for the next few hours. Just the two of us. Finding each other again, Exploring, Talking. Loving. Joy. Then it was time to dress for dinner. I had chosen a special cobalt blue dress, the very colour I had worn some 22 years before on our first date. To remind my husband of from whence we had come. The journey he had spoken about on our first date being more important than the destination. The path less travelled being the most fulfilling.

My husband looking handsome in his tux. Both of us giddy from excitement of love - in anticipation of what lay ahead. We walked to the Library where more champagne awaited us. We sat next to the fireplace when our waiter came in and lit it for us further adding to the romance of the moment. We held hands. Looking into each other eyes. Each other’s souls. Feeling the love between us. My husband blown away because I had chosen to wear the cobalt blue dress. Telling me how beautiful I looked. How I was still the beautiful woman he had first met all those years ago.

Then it was time for dinner. The next surprise for my husband. Our dinner was not going to be in the impersonal restaurant but rather set up and served in our suite. My husband even more appreciative of the fact that I had dressed up just for him. Not to impress anyone else but for his eyes only.

To say the dinner was one of the most intimate experiences of our marriage is an understatement. From the food choices I had made to the wine, to dinner being served in our room. Everything was perfect. I had researched the wines to make sure I had the best choice for my wine connoisseur husband. And it turned out I did not disappoint. He loved it. Smooth he said about the wine.

We finished dinner and sat on our couch in each other’s arm talking about our journey. Loving each other. Being totally with each other. No one else.

Then yesterday morning we woke up to sunshine streaming through our windows. We took our time getting out of bed. Relaxed. No stress. Ordered room service.  Had our breakfast out on our balcony overlooking the Harbour. Clear blue skies. Wispy white clouds. Gentle breeze. Love in the air. Love all around.

We ended our stay rather reluctantly by walking through the picturesque grounds. Admiring the colour burst of flowers surrounding the crochet lawn, the winding paths taking us to the infinity pool we had admired from afar. The wonderful sun on our backs. Walking back through the arches to see the ocean on the other side. Holding hands like the young and carefree people we were when we had first met. With stars in our eyes, Hope in our step. Love flowing through us. Renewed. Rejuvenated. Ready to step out of our oasis back to reality with the memories of the time we had spent totally immersed in each other. Together. With no intrusions. No distractions. Just us loving each other once again.

Tucker’s Point is definitely a place that will forever hold special memories for us from the treatment we were given, the level of service and the total feeling of escape –a reward for all the darkness we have endured as we basked in the light for our 20th. Ready now to endure what’s to come. Remembering always love conquers all. And the journey is far more important than the destination. The road less travelled is the most fulfilling as long as we remember love.

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Changing our attitude changes who we are

Yesterday was a very strange day for my daughter and me. It started out with lots of drama because she did not want to do cross country and her school had planned for all the Upper Primaries to take part in an Inter-House cross country competition.

She had made up her mind that she hated cross country and didn’t see why she had to do it so she spent the morning crying and pouting and generally being miserable about the whole thing. She couldn’t understand why some people didn’t have to do it but she did. She didn’t want my husband and me to come and watch because she wanted to keep feeling sorry for herself and she didn’t think she would do well.

Then yesterday afternoon, I left work a little early because she had signed herself up to do an audition for the Bermuda Youth’s Got Talent show. She had signed up to do a dance with her cousin who decided this week that she did not want to do the show because she does not like being on stage. My daughter was very disappointed at first but then decided she still wanted to do the audition so she redid her dance for herself. She practised over the three days with such determination that she made me proud.

So when my husband dropped her off to me to go to the audition, I was wondering how she would be after having been “forced” to do the cross country. Well it turns out she came fifth overall in the cross country in a field of about 40 girls! So she actually did incredibly well. When I asked her how she did it, she said, “I  think I do much better when I have an audience because then I get nervous and I get an extra push to do better and that’s what happened for the race. I don’t usually do well in gym when I do cross country but I do better when it’s a competition.”

She was feeling pretty proud of herself. Then when we got her dressed for the audition and she looked like the Princess she was portraying in her dance, once again I saw a transformation in her. She looked so determined and so ready to do her thing on her own. We talked as we walked in for the audition and she said she really loves being on stage. But when they asked if she was ready, she nervously said no and grabbed my hand. Her whole face looking terrified. Then I told her to remember what she had said about being on stage. The light came back into her face as she repeated, “I do like being on stage mommy.”  And with that her confidence came back.

As she walked to the stage, she grabbed my hand and asked me to come with her to the stage but not to stand where she could see me. I stood to the side so I could not see her but I watched the audience to gauge their reaction as my little eight year old danced by herself on the big stage to a dance she had choreographed all on her own and practised for only three days. I saw them enjoying her dance. My heart was racing. My palms were sweaty because I was nervous and proud at the same time.

When she finished everyone clapped. She ran off the stage and she grabbed my hand. Once again my fragile little girl. I could feel her whole body shaking and her little palms just as sweaty as mine. To say I had gone from a parent who was angry with my little girl in the morning to one in the afternoon whose heart was bursting with pride at her bravery and determination to do what she wanted to do regardless of whether anyone else did is an understatement.

Even if she does not get into the final cut for the show, I will always remember how she transformed herself from that broken little girl in the morning to the determined and regal girl in the afternoon simply because she believed in herself and adjusted her attitude accordingly. A lesson I will take out of her book and apply to my own.

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The true self does not die

When I was young I thought people over forty were ancient. I thought their lives were over. Now I am nearly fifty and I hear young people uttering the same words I did when I was their age. I see them looking at me with the same look I did when I saw older people. Some with awe. Others with respect. Others trying to figure out whether they should call me ma'am.

I once asked my mother-in-law, who is now eighty five, if she felt different because she was aging. I asked if her thoughts had changed. I asked if she thought of herself as an old woman or if she still thought of herself as a young girl?

She thought about it for a while. Quiet. Reflective. I worried I had offended her.  Then she said very slowly that although she had physically changed, she felt she was pretty much the same person on the inside she has always been. She laughed then and said she only realises she is old when she can’t do all the things she used to because of her physical limitations. But her mind is the same as it has always been.

I have been thinking about aging and death for a while. Particularly now that I am approaching my half century on this earth. And with the sudden deaths of so many high profile people as well as people I went to school with. Then last night I came across a quote that resonated with me on a very deep and personal level.

Marianne Williamson said, “The true self does not age, nor does it die. The body is simply a suit of clothes we wear, it ages but we do not, and it dies but we do not.”

After reading this quote so many thoughts became crystal clear to me. Aging is a natural process that none of us can stop except when we die, which is also a natural process that we cannot defy. Aging and death are the natural orders of life. Our physical beings are merely reflections of the sort of lives we are living on this physical plane called Earth

I thought about my mother-in-law’s words of wisdom and here I am some twenty years later, twenty years older, yet my essence self is still the same. I am still the girl who was born 48 years ago. With the same nature, purpose and presence of mind. My experiences have grown and shaped me but at the core I am still the same person I was born to be. My body has changed somewhat over the years. My face has matured. But inside I am exactly the same as I was when I was born. When I was ten. When I was twenty. When I was thirty. When I was forty. And still I am as I was as I am as I will be.

So why do we spend so much time trying to cheat our age? Hide from the physical limitations of our bodies when all they represent are the clothes our souls wear. Aging and death are natural parts of our journeys. And rather than fighting them, we ought to embrace them, love them, go with them because they are who we were. Who we are. And who we will be. Infinite. Perpetual beings.

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Celebrating 20 years of marriage

Yesterday was my 20th wedding anniversary! I know. I can’t believe it either. Where has the time gone since the day my husband and I walked down the aisle with starry eyes, plans for our future? Envisioning a life much different to the one we are living.

We married thinking we would have no children. Be free to do as we pleased. Live fairly self indulgent lives. Not answering to anyone but ourselves. But life has taken us on a different path by allowing us to become parents.

As we look back over our history – a rich and varied history that has taken us to places we thought we would never go both physically and mentally. Causing us to explore who we are. Forcing us to confront our Inner Child issues. Sometimes pretty ugly and daunting. Other times beautiful causing us to fly high as individuals and as a couple. Loving each other as if there was no tomorrow.

When we gave each other our cards we wrote just about the same thing to each other. We are proud of what we have built together. Kept going together. Even during those times when we felt like we could endure no more. When the light never seemed to shine. We kept going. Kept believing. Seeing what we have. Looking at our children. Understanding the looks we exchange without having to say a word. Always knowing without the other we could not be where we are today.

We went out to a family dinner – the four of us celebrating the life we have built as a couple first and now as a family. Each one of us brining something slightly different to the family dynamic. The pride in our faces as we sat at the dinner table enjoying our family and our history. Sharing an intimacy that no one outside of our family unit could ever understand or be a part of because it is something we have built together.

Looking at my husband, I felt a deep and strong love knowing he is the man that I walked down the aisle with 20 years before. Now he is the father of our children. The man who can fix anything. Do anything. One who I can rely on. Never worried that he will do anything to hurt me or our family. Knowing he is a man of his word. Not perfect. But neither am I. Understanding we are as perfect as imperfect human beings can be. Loving each other. Hating each other. Angry with each other. Tolerating each other. Sometimes happy. Other times not.  But deep down inside feeling this love that binds us. Keeps us together.

Feelings changing day by day but at the core of it all, a love that has matured beyond just the physical to a love that is enduring, trusting, destined, and strong. Continuing our lives. Building those of our children. Surrounded by the spirit of love.

Ending the evening together with our daughter saying, Smooch. Both our children standing expectantly. Waiting for us, their parents, to smooch. The light that came into their eyes when we did was the best anniversary present anyone could ask for. Priceless. Precious. Then we all did a family hug. My husband and I with our son nearly as tall as we are now and our daughter squashed in the middle – exactly where she loves to be. Telling each other we love each other.

Now that’s what 20 years is supposed to feel like – love renewed and felt between us as a couple and as a family. May the next 20 be as loving and rewarding.

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We are always changing

Home. There’s nothing like coming home to the happy faces of my family. Relief. Love and the comfort of my own bed.

Last night I flew back home and my trip back was a completely different experience from the trip out. The flight was smooth. Effortless. And without one bump. Looking out at the dark sky at first it seemed as if there was nothing there but us because of the flashing lights on the airplane’s wings. But as my eyes became more adjusted to the flashing lights and the dark sky, I saw that we were flying in a sky full of bright stars. Twinkling. Golden lights.

The more I looked at the stars the more mesmerised I became. It felt like we were not moving because the scenery did not appear to change. The stars seemed to be the same ones the whole way back. Nothing seemed to change. It felt strange - like we were suspended in time. Yet we were moving and moving quick quickly through the sky.

It was then that I realised the lesson of my flight. Sometimes everything around us can appear as if it is stagnant, not moving. Like we are standing in one spot. Frustration mounts. We wonder why our lives are as they are. We want something to change. Something. Anything to happen instead of feeling as if life is passing us by while we are transfixed to the spot.

What my flight taught me is that life is constantly changing. Our lives included. Sometimes we may seem to be in the same spot because our scenery is not changing, But what we need to know is that we are always changing, responding to the Universe around us every single day. The scenery may appear to be the same but if we looked closely we would see that we are moving. We are growing. But sometimes the change is not dramatic or earth shattering. But if we believe we are where we are meant to be soon we will discover that our every day routines and experiences have been shaping us to be exactly where we need to be.

Then my flight landed. It felt like I had been on it for five minutes instead of two hours. And despite the scenery not appearing to change, I had travelled several hundred miles to get home to the smiling faces of my family. And this is what life does for us all, if we don’t resist we will always end up where we are meant to be. Go with the flow. There is always a reward. Always something to be grateful for.  Mine last night was arriving safely back home to my family. Sleeping in my own bed. Feeling the love of my family. Going to sleep relieved that life brought me back home safely. Gratitude.

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Where there is a will, there is a way

You know the expression, “where there is a will there is a way”. That was my experience this morning when I tried to write my blog. I dropped my personal laptop and now it has a cracked screen so I can’t see the top of the screen. My other laptop would not allow me to get online. I felt like my lifeline had been cut off. My writing means everything to me and I could not write. I tried everything to move the crack because it is right at the top of the screen so it obscures the instructions for most of the sites and programmes I use. I was panic stricken. Frozen.

What was I going to do? How was I going to write my thoughts down? More importantly I questioned what my cracked screen was trying to tell me. What was the fact that I could not get on the Internet trying to tell me? Was I not supposed to write while travelling? Was my writing over?

All sorts of self doubt and fear clouded my brain. I had left my grateful journal home. And now my screen was cracked. I thought for a moment about how I would still be able to connect with my inner self.

Despite not having my journal to write in, I closed my eyes and gave thanks anyway for arriving safely at my destination. My second flight smooth compared to the first. And the gratitude spread through me. I relaxed and decided to accept my cracked screen for what it was.

After opening my eyes, I realised the hotel has a Clubroom so guests can uses computers and the Internet. And that the saying when one door closes another opens is really true. No my personal laptop is not working and I could not access the Internet from my room but those were only obstacles for me to create a solution. And I did. I got dressed and rushed downstairs to write.

So here I am writing again. Wishing I had put my personal laptop in its proper place in my laptop bag so that when my bag fell over it was protected. But I hadn’t so there was nothing I could do to change that situation. I can’t go back and repack it. It’s broken and I have to get it fix. However what I did do to find a solution to my conundrum was to change the way I was reacting to my broken laptop and lack of Internet access. And now I am happily writing feeling my mind, body and soul opening back up again. Relief. Joy.

Because I know I have been given another opportunity to learn this life lesson, instead of focusing on what we can’t do all the time, we need to focus on what we can do. Open our eyes and see that what we can do is right there in front of us. It’s just whether we are willing to shift our way of thinking in order to find the solution we are looking for. My crackled laptop and lack of Internet access taught me that. "Where there is a will, there is a way." And for this lesson I am truly grateful.

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Travel can be eye opening

Travel can be an eye opening experience especially when you go through turbulence while flying as I did yesterday. I was really tired because I got up very early yesterday morning to do all the things I had put off on Saturday to spend the day with Whitney. So as soon as I got on the flight I fell asleep. Only to be woken up by the airplane rocking and rolling. My heart in my throat. Racing. Worrying. I really don’t like flying without my family because I feel guilty for leaving them and worry I may not get back to see them. So when that flight starting bucking I started praying. Asking the Universe to get me where I needed to be. To do what I had to do then get me back home to my family.

After saying my prayer I opened my eyes and looked out the window and was so surprised to see the clear blue skies above us. The big white puffy clouds beneath us. But yet we were being rocked all over the place. The airplane was squeaking. Moving up and down. I was confused. There was nothing outside that looked violent. Nothing looked capable of creating such turbulence. My mind was saying but there has to be something so I looked harder. Still nothing. Then I realized that just like life, there are invisible forces we have no control over that can change the dynamics of situations we find ourselves. Sometimes we can’t see them. But we can feel them. Sometimes we don’t understand them but they are there.

Though the outside looked beautiful and serene. The clouds like pillows that I could sleep on. Like they would be so soft and protective. The sky the colour blue that is so beautiful it’s difficult to explain. But their beauty was deceiving because there were forces between them that were causing the air to be turbulent. And then I saw them, the tendrils, almost invisible at first, stretching across the sky. Moving in and out. Snaking. Appearing and disappearing. Tiny tendrils of clouds moving over and around the airplane and every time they did, the airplane rocked. 

At that point, I had my second epiphany and it was that sometimes it’s the small things in life that can be the most significant, have the most impact. We don’t have to look for the dramatic things to make a difference in our loves. Sometimes it’s the small steps. Just like those little tendrils of clouds seemed so insignificant I didn’t even see them at first because I was looking for the storm clouds, the dramatic. When all the while, it was those little clouds that were rocking us about.

We need not be disappointed with the small steps we take in life. Because it could be those steps that lead to the change we have always been looking for. If little wispy clouds can rock a plane full of people, small steps can have significant impact on our lives as well.

There are lessons all around us. In every step we take. Every breath we take. Everything we see. Everything we hear. Everyone and everything that comes into our lives come for a reason. We just have to be open to receive the lesson.

What’s even more satisfying is once I accepted the turbulence for what it was, just like that it disappeared. Gone. And then a peace came over me as I thanked the Universe for the lesson it gave me once again. For my turbulent journey yesterday I am totally grateful.

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In gratitude to Whitney again

I spent the afternoon with Whitney Houston yesterday. Watching her family, friends, and colleagues sharing stories about her. Personalizing her. Painting a picture of the human being Whitney. Not the superstar. Not the woman who had fallen from grace in the eyes of many.

What yesterday confirmed for me was that Whitney was a human being just like the rest of us. Full of insecurities. Self doubt. Fear. Despite the heights she had risen to – she never saw it . Never believed it. She never became super human as we all wanted her to. As she herself probably wanted to be.

She was a woman. A mother. A daughter. A sister. A niece. A friend. A mentor. Most of all, she was a human being. I am so glad I spent the afternoon with her because she taught me through her spirit that it is not what you do in life. Rather it is how you do you. She reminded me that it doesn't matter the trials we have been through. At the end of the day we are remembered for how we were as a person. How we treated others.

She reminded me that life is not about the destination. It is about the choices we make. The paths we take. The joy we bring to our hearts. And to the hearts of others.

Yesterday was a day of surrender for me. A day when all I had to do was cast aside so I could spend the afternoon with Whitney celebrating her life. Giving thanks for all the hope and joy she put into my heart when we were both twenty two years old and she broke out with, the Greatest Love of All. Setting me on a path to learning to love myself as the greatest love of all. Enabling me to go out into the world as love.

Sometimes we wonder why life takes us on paths we never thought we would ever go on. Down roads that terrify us. Brings us face to face with the bogey man we thought only existed in our worst nightmares. Brings us to our knees. Begging for direction. Help.

Sometimes we wonder why people who seem to have it all don't realize they do and make choices that take them far far away from the light only to cut them down when they start making their way back to the light as in the case of Whitney. Watching her life celebration yesterday, I understood the why  without a doubt. It is so they can become our light - our way out of the darkness. To light the path ahead for us. To help us understand that even when we have it all if we don't learn to love the man or woman in the mirror, we will never be free. We will never know the greatest love of all. The love of self.

To Whitney, we made it through the mid eighties and nineties together. Now you’ve moved on to a different place, dimension and time but your spirit will linger forever in my heart.

Whenever I hear your songs, your voice, I will remember the gift you left behind for me and for those who choose to believe, the gift of learning to love ourselves.

RIP Whitney. Your work here is done. It's now up to the rest of us to continue to be love, give love and receive love. So that when our time is done, everyone will speak love of us as well. And we don't have to be Superstars to be so and do so.

I was reduced to tears at the end of her life celebration. Just listening to her voice as clear as that of an angel singing,

“If I should stay, 
I would only be in your way. 
So I'll go, but I know 
I'll think of you ev'ry step of the way. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
You, my darling you. Hmm. 

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me. 
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry. 
We both know I'm not what you, you need. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 

I hope life treats you kind 
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of. 
And I wish to you, joy and happiness. 
But above all this, I wish you love. 

And I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I, I will always love you. 

You, darling, I love you. 
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you.”

Thank you Whitney for showing us the light through your darkness...RIP. 

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Saturday morning reminding me of staying in the moment

Today is one of those beautiful days where I started the morning off by just lying in bed with my daughter cuddled up in my arms. Feeling her little heart beating against mine. Her warm body snuggled into mine. My husband snoring beside me. The light streaming through the windows. The birds chirping outside. And despite all the things I have to do today, I lay there and inhaled all that I have to be grateful for. I looked at the clock and started to panic. But the closeness of my family was too wonderful and comforting for me to want to move. To break the magic of that moment.

I looked at the clock and another half hour had gone by. My mind still racing but my heart telling  me to stay. Savour the moment. Be in the moment. Because tomorrow I will be flying out again for work. Leaving my family again. So I wanted to savour the time I have with them. Enjoy the minutes of pushing the stress and worries to the back of my mind. Letting it all go. Surrendering.

Then they both awoke at the same time. My daughter talking as soon as she opened her eyes. Excited about the birthday party and sleepover she was going to later in the day. My guilt of leaving them eased a bit as I realised she was content enough to go to her friend’s house and not worry about me leaving again.

I will miss her little Brownie Parade tomorrow as I will be flying. Of course I feel guilty about that. But I did go to her little dance show on Friday afternoon. Sometimes we won’t be there for them all the time but most of the time I am there for them. I remind myself of that when everyone starts moving around the house. Each one of us doing what we have to do.

My son tells me he wishes I wouldn’t leave them so much. Guilt comes back again. I swallow it. And tell him this is where my life is taking me at the moment and that I am always with them even if not physically. Love covers all distances, time and space. Close his eyes and he will feel my love always.

As I am typing I am looking at the sun moving in and out of the clouds. Light coming in and out. Wild chickens running through the yard . Trees blowing in the breeze. Reminding me that nothing lasts forever. Except love. This trip will come and go and I will be home before I know it. My family back together. Settling back into our routines. Forgetting about my trip. And moving on to the next thing.

I am grateful for taking this moment to remind myself of savouring the moment. Being in the moment. And letting all else go.

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We are all learning

Last night my son made me so mad that I walked out of his room and slammed the door. I was angry more because he rejected me and my ideas. Angry and afraid because I feel he is starting to don his wings in preparation for his transition from childhood to adulthood. Embarrassed because he was the adult at that moment and I was the child. Ashamed because I had hurt him probably more than he had hurt me.

I walked into the kitchen with all these thoughts racing through my mind. Then I remembered a passage I had read the other day when I went to Yoga. I went to my bag to find it and read it out loud over and over again until I calmed down,

 “We are all learning. Do not deny anyone because they are on a different path. We are all learning, If someone asks, simply share what you know. If that person wants to do the same thing, fine, if not, fine too. With such an attitude you will learn to love everyone, respect everyone, and there will be harmony in your life.”

The anger, embarrassment, and shame crept out of my being and I walked back into my son’s room only to find him crying because I had hurt him. He apologised to me despite me acting like the child. I apologised to him telling him that though I am his mother I am still human and have feelings too. That I can be hurt too. I told him every word I speak to him is to try to guide him through life not to hamper his growth. I told him it’s probably difficult for him to grasp at this stage but one day when he becomes a parent he will understand that all parents are doing the best they can. We hugged each other tight and told each other we love each other.

Once I apologised to him, I received a gift from the Universe when I came across a YouTube video of a singer called Aloeblacc shared by Deepak Chopra. He was singing a song called, “Mama Hold my hand”. It was one of the most touching and beautiful songs I have ever heard recorded. More so because it was a message sent to me from the Universe to help me to understand that my children want me to hold their hand in the beginning because they don’t know how to cross the road by themselves. Towards the adolescence stage, exactly where my son is now, they will not want to hold my hand because they think they can cross the street by themselves. And I have to let them so they can stumble and fall on their own. To allow them to come back to me and ask for me to hold their hand again as they learn to cross the road of responsibility – careers, marriage, parenthood. And I will willing hold their hand so that when it comes time for me to need them to hold my hand because I am no longer strong enough to cross the street on my own, they will willingly come and take my hand and walk me across the street.

Life is a full circle process where we are all learning. Guiding, Helping. Teaching, Loving and Accepting. Roles reversing all the time, so we can teach and be taught. And sometimes we have to accept our children are just as much our teachers as we are theirs. Fulfilling all roles in this circle of life.  Accepting we are all learning. Always.

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