I am not a planner. Never have been and I don‘t think I ever will. Yet there are many in my life who are planners. They plan everything to a precise moment and what I find is when their plans don’t work out they become frustrated. Disappointed in life and sometimes become very bitter.
Yet for me because I am not a planner, I find I am more flexible with my life. That I tend to end up exactly where I am meant to be. That I get exactly what I am meant to get. That I feel more content with what I have. But lately I have been feeling guilty because I have allowed others to scare me about not being a planner. To frighten me into thinking that because I am aging, albeit gracefully, that I need to have plans in place for the rest of my life.
And even though I have these niggling feelings deep down inside that I have no idea how to plan out the rest of my life because I have no idea how long I am going to live, I have still been plagued with feelings of guilt. And because I have been plagued with these feelings of guilt, I have been desperately trying to manifest things in my life. Pushing myself to do things that don’t feel comfortable to me to prove to others that my life always works out. Leaving me with feelings of frustration. Disappointment and guilt.
And then something wonderful happened last night. I sat down on the couch at about 7.45 to watch television, something I rarely do. My whole body relaxed and I surrendered to the exhaustion and tension in my body. Allowing it to slip away and before I knew it, I was waking up at 10.47! I could not believe the amount of time that had slipped by. I woke up disoriented. Groggy. Shocked that my children were still awake.
After sending them to bed I felt compelled to go onto my computer to see what was happening in the world. I was drawn to @YouTube where I watched a @Tedx presentation by @Dr. Judith Orloff about surrendering. Without knowing so I was being led by the Universe to the answer I had been unconsciously seeking for quite some time about planning and not planning. Dr. Judith Orloff stated, “There are 3 types of surrender:
1.Trail by Surrender – crisis is an amazing opportunity for people to change. Crisis is opportunity.
2. Surrender by Anxiety and Fear – We have control over our thoughts – just because we think something or fear something, it doesn't have to be the way. When confronted with our worst fears if we could conjure up a positive image in our minds instead we will be able to move beyond our fears.
3. Accepting what is instead of trying to fit things or people into what we think ought to be.”
She concluded by stating that “surrender means flowing with what is.” And then it hit me at once, I had a dramatic crisis hit me when I was 13 years old when my mother went to bed on May 16,1976, never regained consciousness and died on May 18, 1976. My life was at a crisis point and I was giving the opportunity to grow in ways I never imagined possible. I had to let go in order to let be. If not I was going to die inside.
I had to surrender by anxiety and fear about laughing again, living again after her death because I felt so guilty for still living and laughing when she wasn't that if I did not think of positive images for the rest of my life I would stagnate and not grow.
And last but not least her death taught me that I had to accept what is in order to move on. And I did. I realize mote than ever that her death taught me to flow with what is and I have been doing so all my life ever since. When I get myself all up in a twist is when I am trying to redirect the flow, swim against the flow or refuse to accept what is. And what I realize more than anything is when I allow plans to push me in directions I know don’t feel right to me, I confront the most obstacles and challenges. But when I surrender and let go, I am always pushed back onto the path that is the best place for me to be.
And for this message and answer from the Universe affirming that surrendering is the best form of planning we could ever ask for because it puts us in the flow of what is, I am truly grateful. Amen.
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