Last night I went to bed feeling like I am so far away from my dream that I felt defeated. Deflated. Dejected. How much more would I have to do to live my dream? What am I doing that keeps me away from my dream? Will I ever live my dream?
Questions bombarding my mind. Leaving me feeling restless.
I started to watch the Grammy’s and then felt the horrible sensations of resentment, jealousy and feelings of not being good enough run through me. Thinking here I am trying to understand why I am so far from my dream when I am watching people living their dreams and winning awards for doing so. Chiding myself for wasting time watching them when I should be pursuing my dream. So I shut the television off and went to sleep.
My sleep was full of uneasy dreams. So funny because now I can’t even remember what the dreams were but I know they were troubling dreams. Dreams of me searching for something but not being able to find it. Sometimes seeing it in the distance but not able to reach it no matter how hard I tried. So troubling were my dreams that I woke up at 3.24 in the morning with night sweats. So hot that I had to strip to cool my body. To soothe my soul. And then I lay awake with thoughts racing through my mind like dogs out on a hunt.
How is it that my life is going backwards rather than forwards? Career stops and starts. Compensation stops and starts. Is it because I am not doing what I am meant to be doing? How do I do what I am meant to be doing? Or am I doing what I am meant to be doing? And if I am, why do I feel like something is missing?
And then I said a prayer to the Universe to allow me to be the miracle I was sent here to be. To be of service to myself and to others such that I can bring love and light into my heart and life first in order to have the ability to radiate that love out to others that cross my path. I asked the Universe to use me in whatever way is necessary for the betterment of myself and others. I asked for help and then I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.
I woke up to the sound of my alarm going off at 5 am. Groggy. Restless. Feeling like I had not slept at all. So I lay in my bed for over half hour talking to myself. Praying. Shifting my consciousness from one of defeat to gratitude. From angst to peace. Telling myself I woke up again so that is blessing in itself. Telling myself I am a fully functioning human being with no physical limitations, again a blessing in itself. Telling myself yes it’s Monday a whole other week to work on my dreams. Shifting my brain from thinking oh no it’s Monday again.
And then I willed myself to get out of bed. To stop procrastinating. To stop letting ego stop me from forgiving myself for the choices I have made. For the actions I have taken. To instead embrace everything about what I have done as a stepping stone to who I am and who I am becoming. To accept every experience in my life as a necessary lesson for me to be the miracle I was sent here to be.
And then I put one foot down on the floor and then the other and walked into my bathroom where I saw my gift from the Universe for the day. My inspiration for the day. The answer to my prayers via a quote. Simply telling me, “The greatest tranquility is when we desire nothing.” Just like that. As simple as opening my eyes this morning. As easy as breathing. There was my answer. In order to gain anything. To be anything. We first must be content with who we are. To stop yearning for that which is outside us. And instead embrace all that we are. And when we do, magically, we attract more because we can see more. When we are so busy looking ahead, looking for more, we overlook all that is in front of us.
“The greatest tranquility is when we desire nothing.” So simple. So true. A peace washed over me and I immediately felt ready for anything that comes my way today knowing I control my level of peace by staying in the moment. Living in the moment. Relishing each moment as the gift it is. Namaste.
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