Friends

This morning I woke up with the strong desire to reach out to all those friends I have not been in contact with for quite some time. Friends that were there for me when I needed them the most. When I was going through tough times. Friends who were just friends and meant a lot to me at certain times of my life. Friends who disappeared out of my life once our time was done. But friends, nonetheless, who I feared could have been impacted by Sandy.

I even emailed a few of them to just let them know I am thinking of them and their families. Not knowing if they would ever receive my email but just sending it. Doing something felt better than doing nothing at all.

Within seconds two of the emails I sent to people who were very near and dear to me for quite some time during my University years bounced back telling me their addresses failed permanently. Sending a sense of foreboding through me. Making me question whether they were okay. Had they moved? Had their lives changed dramatically? Worrying about them. Hoping they are okay. Wishing I had stayed in contact more. Wishing I knew where they are.

Sitting back afterwards and questioning why it takes a tragedy or devastation to bring us all back together. To bring friends back into the forefront of our minds. Why don’t we take seriously the time we have with each other before something horrible happens? How and why do we lose contact with people we love, have loved or meant the world to us for a time? Why do people come and go in our lives just like the season but their memory always remains? Why does this happen?

I am thinking of all my friends today. Friends who have remained in my life. Friends that have come and gone. Friends that come and go. Friends that have become enemies for a time. But now understanding deep down they are still very much a part of my life because they came into it for a reason. For us to learn something from each other. To make us better people if we are able to forgive allowing us to grow from the experience.

To those friends I have lost contact with along the way, I treasure the time we had together and I am grateful our paths crossed when they did. To those friends that come and go, I honour you. To the friends that remain, I am truly grateful for your presence.

But more importantly my friends,  I know I am a reflection of you as are you of me. Mirrors of each other in this journey called life. Attracted to each other to help us grow  Sometimes easily and other times not. But for all of you, I am truly and utterly grateful.

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The Morning After

This morning I got up thinking about all those devastating photos and images I saw last night on the television as a result of the destructive path of Sandy. I stood at the window looking out at the full moon shining brightly down lighting up the otherwise dark morning and felt gratitude spreading through me. I whispered a thank you to the Universe for sparing my Island home and my family and everyone I know in Bermuda from the wrath of Sandy. I walked into my office and looked out the window and saw a sky full of stars and listened to the silence of the morning. And whispered thank you again.

It’s amazing what a difference a day can make. The sound of the howling wind has now been replaced by the sound of silence. The dark and menacing sky has now been replaced by stars and a big bright full moon. The feeling of hopelessness now replaced by hope.

And then I sat and started to type on my own computer at my own desk for the first time in nearly two weeks and I felt a surge of power. A surge of faith. A surge of gratitude. A surge of peace spread through me as I inhaled and exhaled.

I started first by looking at all the photographs of the destruction that had been left in Sandy’s path. I could not believe some of the images. Could not believe that a city as mighty as I thought New York was could be facing such damage. I always thought of a large city as being indestructible. That I would be safer there than I am on my exposed Island in the middle of the North Atlantic. But what I realize is when Mother Nature comes calling, it doesn’t matter where you are, if she is somehow obstructed she will destroy. That no matter how strong we may build buildings they are nothing compared to her strength and wrath. I watched buildings collapsing, cars floating down flooded roads, subways, buildings flooding. Trees breaking. Explosions. Fires. Deserted streets.

And then I tore myself away from the images and said a silent prayer for all those who have been affected by the record breaking storm. For all those who lost their lives and their families left behind to grieve. For all those who may not be able to go back home for quite some time due to damage. For all those who will be without power and amenities they are so used to having. And then I sat.

I felt a strange sense of silence engulf me after my prayer. That same sense that comes after experiencing a hurricane here. That sense of awe at the power of all we cannot control. Of all that can come lashing down on us wreaking havoc and destruction then pass us by engulfing us in silence. Then  I said a silent thank you to the Divine and the Universe for all those who have been spared. For all those who have been given another day. For all of us who were able to watch the power of Nature and to remember just how fortunate we are to be here for another day.

Again I sat for a moment in silence. In reverence to all that is. All that was. And all that will ever be. Knowing there are far greater powers than I will ever understand or be able to control. Accepting our lives are connected by a life force unexplained.  Thinking about all the wonderful prayers that spread throughout social media sending positive energy to all those who were affected by the storm. Gratitude in knowing that despite all the damage, within the human consciousness remained our interconnected nature of wishing peace and harmony to those we don’t even know. That when the time is right we can be a peaceful and loving race.

To all the survivors of Sandy, my thoughts and prayers are with you as you recover from her wrath. May our faith be restored by the restorative nature of our Universe.  May we remember the peace and harmony that was spread during the dread. And may we appreciate the dawn of a new day and the sound of silence.

Remembering always there is the morning after for those of us who are meant to remain. Remembering to surrender to all that is, was and ever will be. In gratitude for the calm after the storm.

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More questions than answers today

When will we ever learn that we cannot change anyone but ourselves? Why are we attracted to people that irritate us the most? Why do we become frustrated when we can't change the person who is trying to change us? What are relationships all about. How does the law of attraction really work?
I try to practise  positive affirmations every single day. Positive thoughts but still, as an infallible human being, I am drawn to the dark side over and over again with my thoughts. The minute I think I have made it to the mountaintop with my positive thoughts, a dark one comes and swipes me off the mountain. Forcing me to begin anew again. And again. The same demons confronting me over and over again.
How many times must I climb to the top of the mountain? At what point does the reward come? Or does it come but I just don't recognise it for what it is. Why are the people who are the closet to us our greatest challenges? At what point does the jockeying for balance stop and reach its equilibrium? Or is the equilibrium always challenged because we are always growing? Is there such a thing as equilibrium for human beings such as ourselves?
All kinds of questions this morning with no real solutions because I am being challenged by many aspects of my life right now. I am being asked to examine who I am and who I am not from a profound level. Challenges I can't escape or dismiss because they are there with me at every step of the way. And I am finding the more I ignore them, the larger they become. Almost as if I am feeding them. Fueling them.
I feel as if I am being asked to figure out what happens next with my life and who will be journeying with me in this next phase of my life. And I am afraid to make certain decisions because I am afraid I will hurt myself and people along the way. But at what point do we realise that sometimes we change so much that people who were important to us have become burdens rather than allies?
How do we know when our time is done with certain situations and people? How do we really know? Do we go to that place of silence and listen to our inner intentions and compasses to see where they direct us? What if we don't like the answer that comes back? What do we do then? Do we continue to fight with ourselves? What about the consequences of our actions? Who will ultimately be hurt at the end of the day? Our decisions have a ripple effect on our lives. Not just for ourselves but for those who are intimately involved with us as well.
Yesterday I watched the middle and end of Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and was confronted with the same issue that has been circling in my mind. An unlikely place to be given a message but one I received nonetheless. And the message was when we are so intent on creating an impossible dream, we create a nightmare instead. Sometimes when we continue on even when we have been forewarned, we destroy what brings us joy. Especially when we push aside those we love, we will discover that which we create will ultimately destroy all that we are and all that we love. So we have to be careful about what our intentions and dreams really are and listen to our inner voices and feelings because our instincts are always right.
It is a stormy Monday morning mirroring the dilemna going on inside me. It could be stormier as the East Cost of the US is now facing. It could be calmer as other parts of the world are experiencing but it is what is for me and I have to accept and be grateful for the small blessings today. My life could be stormier and I could be more lost but I recognise I am searching, seeking the answers to my life. Seeking the answers to allow me to feel more settled. To give me the strength to grasp on to the inner light that is always there shining for me whenever I am ready to grasp it. Recognising I am human, infallible, and imperfect. Prone and designed to make mistakes but hopefully learning the lessons I am meant to from them.
Knowing from a deeper level that as long as I accept I am who I am without question then even on the darkest day, the stormiest of weather I will always find my inner harbour of peace, love and light because I am all the questions and answers. Because I am all that I am.

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Hope from a brewing storm

Woke up this morning. My daughter wrapped around me. My husband snoring. And just stayed in bed. Feeling empty. Restless. Worried. About what I didn't know  But there was this strange feeling of not knowing what to do. Too much to do. But not knowing where or how to start.
Surprised by the light of the morning. Fully expecting to see darkness and to hear rain. But there was that glimmer of hope in the light of the morning. That glimmer of possibility. But I did not get up. Instead I stayed there savouring the feeling of security and comfort I felt. But then my husband got up. Still frustrated with our Internet issues. I could feel his energy was still uptight. And instantly I took on his energy. My anxiety increasing.
Worrying because my daughter wants us to bake together for a Halloween party we are going to later today. Thinking my plans were super ambitious for what I had decided to make. Telling myself I need to just go with the flow and do what I could.
Checking the list in my head about the things I need to do today. My son's school trousers were not ready yesterday when I went to pick them up. Thinking about the shopkeeper telling me they had been so busy that they did not get to my son's trousers when they had assured me when I bought them they would have them ready for me by yesterday. Angry that I have to interrupt my baking day with my daughter to get my son's trousers. Thinking of how I will fit it all in.
Thinking the longer I stayed in bed, the less time I would have to accomplish all my tasks. So I threw back the covers and got out of bed. Walked into the bathroom and opened the blinds to look outside. And there before me was a stormy and blustery morning. Mirroring my feelings. And then I paused. Mesmerised by the trees swaying and bending in the breeze. Holding strong despite being buffeted around. Leaves swirling almost like they were doing a dance. Holding up despite the force of the wind. Moving with the wind. Curling and furling.Not resisting and I knew instantly I was being sent a message once again from the Divine.
I felt joy spreading through me as I realised I was witnessing something very profound. Even when we are facing the greatest trials and tribulations, just like those trees in the wind, it is up to us to stand tall but to bend and flex and go with the flow. When we try to resist. When we try to go against the flow. That's when we snap and break  That's when our leaves, our plans, our dreams break because we don't dance in the flow.
Tears forming in my eyes as I watched the dance of the trees in the wind. And then the rain came. Hard and fast. almost like it was washing away my resistance. Cleansing me of my fears and worries. Listening to the rain pelting against the windows and inhaled the message I received. Exhaling I pulled open all the blinds so I wouldn't forget the storm brewing outside assaulting the trees and leaves. So I won't forget those trees are still standing and the leaves are still dancing. Despite the wind and rain. They are still there. Still standing. Still bending. Going with the flow. As shall I.

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Connected to the world again - hallelujah

This week has been an extremely challenging week because we had no access to the Internet. My husband finally got to the bottom of our problem yesterday after refusing to give up. And because of him, we are partially back up again using old fashioned remote dial in with a new cable provider of Internet service. I came home last night to new holes in the wall to allow the new cables into our home and a very satisfied husband. His computer up and running with the only access we have as a family to the Internet.
At first I was a little disappointed my computer was not connected because I so wanted to sit at my own desk, on my own computer, feeling the rhythm of my own keys as I type my blog but then I decided to just surrender to the moment. To allow my husband to savour his success. To feel proud of what he had managed to accomplish over nearly a week of trying to uncover the mystery of why we had been cut off from the Internet. To also give myself one more night of going to bed at a reasonable hour.
And when I did surrender I realised just how much I have to be grateful for. A husband who refused to take no for an answer from our previous Internet cabling company. Who is tenacious enough to keep going until he found a solution to our problem. Who is resourceful enough to have the tools to channel into the walls to allow the new cable through. And on top of that to be grateful we are once again connected to the outside world and it should not matter that we can't all access the Internet at the same time. Recognising we are moving in the right direction now and we are no longer stuck. Hallelujah.
Recognisng that sometimes we neglect to be grateful for all we have on a daily basis because we want so much more. Even if we have more than we thought we ever would. Just the morning before I was praying to get the Internet back. And last night we got it back. The Universe delivered on my prayer just not in the way I had expected. Proving to me that our prayers are always answered when they come from a place of certainty in our hearts but just not always the way we had envisioned.
So this morning I am sitting at my husband's desk typing my blog on a large screen. Not exactly as I had envisioned being back on my own computer. But acknowledging and accepting typing my blog this morning is a lot easier than it was for the past week.No more straining my eyes. No more damaging my nails on the tiny keyboard of my blackberry. No more getting frustrated when the touchscreen on my blackberry moves before I could finish a thought.
Gratitude flooding through me because of how easy it is to see the full screen of my thoughts and to have access to the Internet. Gratitude for being able to post more efficiently than I was able to without access to a large screen.
Shifting my mindset from scarcity to abundance and embracing the fact that I have so much to be grateful for from just the simple luxuries of having access to a full screen, a larger keyboard and Internet access again. Luxuries I had before but took for granted because they were a part of my everyday existence. But now recognizing just how important my every day luxuries are because without them I was lost. Knowing now to not take my everyday for granted. To appreciate every aspect of my everyday because each part of it is a luxury no matter how insignificant it may seem. And for these lessons and for having access to the Internet once again, I am truly grateful.

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Finding our bliss

I was saving this blog until I got the Internet back. Saving it for the time when I am seated at my desk writing my blog from my writing zone but then I realised it could be ages before that time comes. And while the thought is still fresh in my head and because it won't leave me, I decided to convey the message that is coming from a deep place within me about a documentary my Spiritual Mother lent me to watch. The documentary is called Finding Joe.
It is based on the teachings and beliefs of a man called Joseph Campbell. The premise of the documentary and Campbell's philosophy is about finding our bliss.
And rather than interpreting his philosophy I have decided to use some of the quotes that most resonated with me and they are as follows:
"Your bliss is your ultimate journey -  the thing you can not do."

If you go into the forest and there is already a trail then you know it's not your path because someone else has already done it. Find your own trail, your own path.

Ask yourself, what am I here to do?

"Follow your bliss."

Listen to your heart and find your truth.

"When you follow your bliss the Universe will open doors where there were only walls."

Why do most people not follow their bliss? According to Campbell, it's because we are worried about what people think of us so his philosophy is, "What will they think of me must be put aside for my bliss."

There are two roads in life:
1. The red road - tougher, narrower
2. The black road - straight, wide, easy.
Whichever road we take is our choice.

The one thing that keeps people smaller is fear. We each have our own dragon to slay. To get around this we have to stop anticipating what we will find. Instead we just have to go for it.

Fear is an inherent part of the human cycle. Courage is dealing with our fears. Courage is the ability to get up when we have fallen.

When we stop fighting ourselves, we open ourselves to possibility.

All that matters is how big we showed up and how courageous we were.

And that was the end of the messages that resonated with me after watching Finding Joe. Strong messages I obviously needed to be reminded of leaving me to believe the documentary could have been titled Finding Cathy or Finding anyone because each of us is trying to find our own bliss. That which we have been sent here to do. And I am so grateful to have found mine with writing and spreading love and light, peace, harmony and compassion. A gift I must continue to harness because without Bliss what is there to this life?

Here's to Finding and Living our Bliss.

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An unexpected gift in the face of adversity

This week has been an  odd one for me. One full of surprises and different paths. Starting out with no Internet and looking like a solution today will be a stretch as well.
People I have not seen nor heard from in a while have popped back into my life. Invitations coming from the strangest places and from unexpected people.
My writing choppy because I am writing on a blackberry therefore I can't see what I am writing and the feel is different on my fingers. Sending different vibrations through my body. Releasing endorphins dissimilar to the ones that normally set me on a writing journey where I have no control over where I will end up. The last few days my writing coming from a place of desperation to prove I can still do it because I feel like something or someone is conspiring against me by cutting of my Internet.
Some of my responses to people have not been the same. Not coming from a place of peace for me but rather a place of defensiveness. Not developed but reactionary. Forcing me to think about my week and why I am being set on a completely different path to the one I thought I would be on. Realising with certainty that I am experiencing a different level of growth. A different perspective on life so I can see things objectively and from a place I do not feel comfortable.
I realised this week I have been forced out of all that is familiar to me so that I can see the everyday opportunities that are right in front of my face every single day but because I have been on a familiar path I have overlooked them. Dismissed them even believing they are not important to my development. Not instrumental in getting me to where I would like to be. Believing they can't be because they are ordinary not extraordinary. Understanding it is the ordinary often that leads to the extraordinary. Recognising that all too often,  we are so focussed on the end result we overlook the ordinary treasures that can unlock so much of what we need in our lives.
And what I am learning is that I am indeed very resourceful. Very tenacious and not afraid to fall on my face every once in a while and therefore I have to open myself to paths that are unfamiliar. To not be afraid when that path leads me where I did not expect to go. To let go of expectation. And to just do it because I will never know unless I try. I will never discover what feels right for me if I am unwilling to try on something I had dismissed before giving it a chance.
I am also learning that sometimes it takes time to understand our new direction. That we falter when we become impatient and veer of the path just when the tangled woods begin to clear. Just when the end is coming into view because we get tired of fighting the tangles.
This whole Internet debacle has been sent to me for a reason and has lasted for nearly a week for a reason. And it is to let me know that just because I can't access my everyday routines doesn't mean I can't start new routines. That I can't find solutions and alternatives to the problems I am having. That all I need to do is ask for guidance then surrender so I can hear and feel what needs to come next. And this morning when I woke up with thousands of thoughts bombarding my mind. Fear threatening to overpower me. Ego nearly winning. I decided to just surrender. To look out the window at the dark morning sky.
And there before me was an ordinary gift to behold. The dark morning sky was filled with an abundance of stars twinkling. Magic in the ordinary producing an extraordinary feeling for me. Filling me to the brim with abundance, possibility and love. Knowing I am a part of a universe that provides such splendour even in our darkest hour. Breathing in the abundance and bliss ever present in my life. Allowing the gratitude to spread throughout my being and allowing it to flow back out into the Universe to allow another to feel its flow. Exhaling as a smile erupted from a place deep within me.
Knowing and accepting I am definitely experiencing a turning point in my life and it is up to me to decide which way I am going to go - the road less travelled or the one travelled too often. Whichever I choose, the choice is mine and mine alone. And for this lesson I am truly grateful. Amen.

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