Monday morning Blues. When the weight of the world seems to rest on my shoulders. When the power woman starts to emerge suffocating the creative one. When my brain goes into overdrive projecting into moments that have not even happened yet. Taking my breath away. Making me worry.
I woke up this morning feeling the heat. Not a physical heat but a mental heat. Worried about what the day will bring. Worried about what tomorrow will bring. Worried about what the week will bring. Worried about my future.
Worried about wasting time and not doing what I am meant to be doing. Hearing the alarm clock go off even though I was awake way before it went off. Waiting for it to go off then when it did turning it off and still not getting out of bed. Still not ready to face the day because of the heat that was coursing through my body.
Staring at the minutes ticking by. Trying to steal as many moments as I could in bed where it is safe. Where I don't have to make any decisions. Where no one is watching me with disapproval or expectation.
Allowing my eyes to close again and before I know it fifteen minutes had slipped by. Jumping up startled when I see how quickly time has passed me by. Worried that I wasted precious time to do what I love to do most write and explore my feelings. Harnessing them to see where I am.
Remembering the exchange I had with my son last night about his fears of failing. About him not wanting to try because he was afraid that if he did he would fail. Telling him emphatically that the greatest failure in life is when he doesn’t do at all. My whole body shaking in anger as I told him, rather judgementally as I reflect back, that failure does not come from trying and not succeeding. It comes from not trying at all.
Realising that the reason I reacted so explosively to him was because he was mirroring what was going on inside me. He was my teacher rather than me being his. Knowing I must apologise to him today to tell him that he taught me and reminded me that I am a product of my failures and my successes. For reminding me I would never know who I am or what I am capable of if I did not try.
Lying in bed. Grouchy about Monday morning. Not attempting. Hiding on the sidelines. None of these choices are good ones for me or for my son or for anyone if we are ever to find what it is we need in life. Mediocrity does not allow us to blossom. It just creates frustration. Jealousy and stagnation. Because we never know our powers until we try. Until we fail. And try again. Until we find the path that feels right for us.
So here’s to Monday morning blues pushed aside and me out of bed looking out the window at the possibility that exists out there and in my mind when I try not when I let life slip me by.
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