An unexpected lesson from travelling

Travelled from Bermuda to London over the weekend. Before I left my husband was surprised I was leaving Saturday night. For some reason he thought I was leaving on Sunday night. When I talked to my son about it, helooked at me with wistful eyes and  said, "That's because no one wants you to go."
My heart breaks every time I think about what he said and the expression on his face when he said it. Genuine concern and love coming from his whole being stretching into mine.  An incredible feeling of intimacy in that one statement. In that one moment.
Fuelled because my son's statement was an unfiltered sentiment from his heart. And for a thirteen year old going through adolescence who doesn't like to show much emotion at the moment except attitude, I was deeply touched. I looked at him and said, " I know I wish I didn't have to go either but it's where I am right now so I have to go." Riddled with guilt the whole time I spoke to him and afterwards. Wondering how I ended up in a position where I have to leave my children. So far away from that protective mother I was when they were first born when I would not even leave them. Thinking about how life changes so much when we aren't looking.
When I boarded the airplane I prayed that I get home safely to my children, my husband, my family. Prayed that I do not abandon them as my mother did me. Prayed that me leaving them forever was not their destiny as it was mine. Prayed that their destiny was to have me in their lives at least until they become responsible adults. And then I fell into a dreamless sleep. Waking up with a jolt one hour before the flight was to land.
Landing at Gatwick on a brisk Sunday morning. Temperature 3 degrees Celcius which is how much in Fahrenheit I don't even know. But it was chilly. Boarding the train to go to London Bridge watching the morning scenery flashing quickly by. A different scenery to my scenery in the mornings. A different feeling all together. Thinking the scenery like my life is flashing by quickly before my eyes.
Feeling immense gratitude to the Universe for liftng my spirits when I was greeted by a beautiful clear blue sky. Unlike the rainy drizzly conditions normal to London. I smiled thinking I brought the beautiful weather with me once again. Marvelling at the cloud formations different from my own.  Clouds more like tendrils than puffy pillows. Some infused with red as the sun was rising behind them. Others white streaks. Airplane vapour trails snaking across the otherwise clear sky. Mist like smoke rising up out of the lakes and ponds casting a mysteriousness to the air. Like the mystery I felt in my bones about why life takes us on different paths than the ones we had planned.
Thinking about why I am on my way to another work week in a different place. Far from my children and family. Far from my normal routines. Yet grateful that I made it this far. Grateful for the ability to see and experience so many different experiences. Accepting I am where I am meant to be even if it includes feeling guilty for not being there for my family. Understanding it is a feeling I am meant to feel and not be ashamed of feeling. Learning to accept my life is where it is because of choices I have made and choice I continue to make. And if I want to alter anything it is always up to me.
To my beautiful and challenging thirteen year old son thanks for giving me pause to think about where I am and why. For helping me to remember life does change when I'm not looking so it's up to me to really start seeing life and living it rather than letting it see me and live me.