There is a feeling we get when we are not right. It snakes its way from our head to our toes and back again. It changes the sensations in our body. It comes every time to let us know when something is not right. But yet we choose to ignore it. Push it aside. Over thinking it. Overanalysing it. Then ignoring it. Talking ourselves out of the feeling until the feeling goes. But we can’t really shake it even once it goes.
Because deep down inside we always know. We always know when it is time to walk away. Time to stop doing what does not feel right. But we doubt the feelings. Doubt the sensations. Telling ourselves it isn't so. That the feeling is not real. That we are just making it up. Questioning whether we are creating the doubts. The nagging sensations. And we let time slip by. Idly. While we fight the feeling. Fight our inner guides.
And when the feeling comes back again. And again. Until we get the message. Connect the dots. No longer able to resist the alarms going off in our brains, we suddenly see what our mind’s eye was trying to show us all along. And then we become frustrated. Angry even that we let time slip by when we could have changed direction long before. And saved ourselves lots of time and aggravation. As I did this morning.
This morning I was so tired from a very restless night. I think in total I slept about 3 hours. Thoughts swirling through my mind. Hearing the wind banging things around outside. Watching the sensors lights switching on and off with the wind. The outside reflecting the turmoil on my insides.
Getting up to go to the bathroom every hour it seemed. I felt overstuffed like I had eaten too much food but I could not remember what I had eaten and why it was bothering me. Hot flashes racing from head to toe. One minute I was boiling hot. The next shivering from the cold. I could not get myself to sleep no matter how hard I tried. And then when I did it was 5 minutes before I was meant to get up. So I closed my eyes and before I knew it, it was 15 minute past the time I was supposed to get up. I leapt out of bed. Trying to still my racing brain. But for some reason it wanted to race and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
Giving in to my racing mind, I sat down to meditate. Put on my meditation music and closed my eyes. And then I must have drifted off to sleep. Gone deep within my brain to that place of peace. But after the time the meditation was supposed to end, my mind started telling me, I had gone over the time. That I needed to come out of my deep slumber. That the time was done. But I refused to believe it. Refused to accept the feeling of all knowingness. Telling myself that I would have heard the music end for my mediation. That surely the time had not gone by that quickly. Had I not just closed my eyes?
And so my mind fought against my knowingness. My meditation even becoming a struggle. Until I could take it no longer because the feelings were becoming overwhelming. Hot flashes becoming more prominent. And the voice inside my head would not still. Forcing me to open my eyes. To surrender to the warnings going off in my head. And sure enough I had gone over my meditation by 9 minutes and 53 seconds and was into the next one without even realizing it. But my all knowingness knew and had been trying to tell me all along.
Teaching me this morning no matter how tired we are, no matter how distracted we are, the all knowingness inside us all is never tired, never frustrated and is always there for us when we are willing to surrender to it. To listen to it. As it did with me this morning. Reminding me in a very simple way to trust those feeling, those sensations that let me know when I am on the wrong path. I heard it loud and clear this morning and I hope I will listen to it from now on. Sooner rather than later.
We all have this inner consciousness, this inner guide, this inner compass that will never lead us astray if we listen. And feel without resistance. We could save ourselves so much bother. So much turmoil. If we would just stop and listen and allow ourselves to be guided. Surrendering to the beat of our own drum. Stepping into the rhythm of our own souls, how sweet life would be.
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