Restless

This morning I woke up with this quirky thought in my head about being restless and I wrote this blog.

Restless. I am feeling restless at the moment. I can feel something is about to happen but I don’t know what. I don’t know whether I am supposed to move toward the feeling or away from it. So I am holding tight. Doing a lot of praying and meditating and stillness. But I can’t shake this feeling of restlessness.

It seems like I am in a holding pattern with little snippets of what is coming  appearing in my mind’s eye. But I can’t make heads or tails out of the snippets. Adding to the restless feeling I am feeling at the moment.

Restlessness is a sign of what I keep asking myself. Am I preempting what is to come by trying to project to a place I don’t belong yet. It’s almost as if I don’t want to miss out on whatever this thing is that’s causing me to feel restless. So I feel glued to the spot. Neither moving forwards nor backwards. Just waiting. And waiting and waiting.

But still at the same time feeling restless. I tell myself to surrender the feeling to the Universe. To let whatever is meant to unfold, unfold. But there is a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I need to act and act fast. Act on what is the next question because I have no idea about what it is I am meant to act on.

Restlessness is a sign of impatience some people say. A sign of not be able to be content about where we are. Some believe it is a means of projecting into the future rather than living in the present moment.  Overlooking the now. I know all these things deep down inside but I am still an imperfect human being living in an  imperfect world. So sometimes I get sucked into these moments of uncertainty which lately seem to be quite often.

I don’t know if it has something to do with turning 50 and feeling like the clock is ticking as I stand on the sidelines and watch it tick while doing nothing but watching. Chastising myself for doing so. Questioning who I am and what am I here to do constantly. Because there is this niggling feeling I have. A feeling I can neither touch nor describe. But it’s there and it’s making me restless. Anyone else feeling this way?

Not necessary a blog of information and discovery today but a blog of seeking and sometimes life takes us down those paths to remind us we don’t have the answers to everything immediately in front of us and the reason why we don’t is because we don’t know what the question is. Only when we know the question are we able to arrive at the solution. And sometimes the restlessness is asking us to find the question we are seeking so we can arrive at the answer we need.

After writing the blog I didn't feel comfortable with it so I started searching the Internet, Facebook to ground myself and figure out what I was doing. And then I found this cartoon and knew I had to post my blog because I was meant to learn when we are searching too hard to find the answer we have lost the plot because it is the obstacle, and in my cases, my restlessness that is the path I am meant to be on - not the answer to it. So today I am surrendering to my restlessness and letting it take me where I am meant to be.