May 18. Without even knowing the date, I always wake on this day with a feeling of unease. A feeling of fear. Uncertainty and sadness. As I did this morning.
I looked outside when I got up as I always do and even outside seemed sad. Grey and gloomy. The air heavy. Dread. What is it with today I thought. Hot flashes taking over my body from head to toe. Any woman going through perimenopause or menopause knows what I am talking about. But these flashes were different somehow. Like they were coming from a deep part of my feminine spirit. A place of longing. A place of need.
How could I have shifted from being on top of the world just yesterday to feeling like I was depressed and sad I wondered? What in the world is wrong with me I thought?
And then I sat down to read my morning meditation and there was the date right in front of me. Providing me with my much needed answer. Today is May 18. Transporting me instantly back to 1976. Back to the fragile 13 year old girl finding out that the person who meant the world to her. The person who was her world had been ripped away from her forever. The day I found out I was to be forevermore a motherless daughter. Even as I type, tears are stinging at my eyes. The feeling of hopelessness and wretchedness tearing through every atom and cell of my physical being. My emotional and spiritual being feeling like time is standing still. Erasing the 37 years that have elapsed since that terrible day when my mother was taken away.
I need to inhale I tell myself. Inhale deeply then exhale slowly grounding me back to this present moment. Taking me away from the 13 year old broken girl. Transporting me back to the 50 year old woman I am today. The 50 year old woman who has somewhat mended the broken wings of the 13 year old girl. Particularly when my 9 year old soon to be 10 year old daughter comes walking into the room. Her very presence grounding me further. I fight back the tears as she walks by me with her Ipad singing songs from her heart. Like an angel. Such joy and freedom in her whole presence.
I smile with gratitude then. My whole being tingling again. Feeling alive again. Knowing despite my fears of motherhood. Despite my fears of having children and dying young that becoming a mother is one of the most beautiful things I have done in my life. Having children and being a fully present mother allows me to realize just how much love there is in the world. That my mother’s death prepared me to really and truly be a mother. To be present in my children’s lives and not to take any aspect of their lives or mine for granted. That to be a mother is a gift from the Universe. A gift to keep me grounded and living in the present because that’s what children do.
Children very rarely think about tomorrow or even yesterday. There is too much time for them between the past and the future. To them the present is enough for them to do what they need to do. Forcing me to be fully present in this moment. Inhaling and exhaling. Gratitude flowing through my teary eyes.
And then I thank my mother and the Universe for preparing me to be the mother I am today. The person I am today. The sadness replaced with wonderment and acceptance. Because grief is an emotion that comes and goes. Like waves washing over but for the moment at least I have an understanding that my mother died 37 years ago today so I can be the mother I am today.
Now the day does not feel as grey and dull as it did before. I still have a tear in my eye. I will always miss my mother because there is nothing like the love and security of a mother’s love and guidance. But I feel her presence with me whenever I need it and I know she did the best she could for me and for my brothers and sisters in the time she had with us just as I am for my children. Not taking any aspect of their lives or mine for granted.
I miss you mama more than words could ever express and I am so grateful to have had an angel like you in my life for 13 years. I would not be who I am without you. With much love and gratitude rest in peace mama. Rest in peace. An angel in my life forever.
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