I am facing one of my greatest fears over and over again while here in London. Escalators. Those dreaded and deeply unnerving things that literally make my teeth chatter. Even writing about them makes my palms sweaty and my heart race. But I am conquering my fear slowly but surely because the choice to avoid them has been taken out of my hands.
Having to take the tube into work every day requires me to have to use escalators to get to the underground. Not just small escalators but monster escalators. Ones that seem to snake endless down into the abyss. So upon approaching them, I have to give myself a pep talk. Encouraging myself to just take the first step and then keep moving. Or at least follow behind a mass of people and then step on en sync with them such that I can’t see what’s coming. Can’t see what’s ahead. Instead use them to shield me from the huge drop that comes once I am on the escalator.
To make matters worse there are signs that say journeyers must stay to the right on the escalators so those in a hurry can get past those who are in less of a hurry. If there are such persons. And of course because all of the distractions such as ads and the security of a wall are on the left side I feel much safer boarding to the left. And once I am there I can’t move. My grip on the moving escalator side is so tight that it would probably take a crane to get me out of there. As to me to loosen that grip would mean potentially allowing myself to tumble face first to the bottom of the escalator. So moving to the right is too much to ask of me.
Rather than berating myself for not being able to move to the right, yesterday I gave myself credit for at least getting on the escalator. Even if I was on the wrong side particularly since people were really patient with me. No one yelled at me to move to the right. They just went round me unlike the day before when I was told I needed to move to the right by a lady who needed to get pass me.
I apologised to her and told her I had a huge phobia about escalators and her whole attitude changed and she became more understanding. Explaining I needed to stay to the right if I was not in a hurry. So now of course I feel guilty for slowing those up who need to get through. I have told myself that today is the day when I get on to the right. My heart is racing already. My mouth dry. Willing myself to just take the first step to the right and let fate handle the rest.
I am learning from going back to the Underground. To the place where I am learning to conquer one of my greatest fears. Escalators. Where I am learning that in order to conquer my fear I have to just do it. Just trust that I am where I am meant to be. Trust that whatever is meant to happen will happen and if I try to avoid the lesson I am meant to learn, it will only take me that much longer to learn it. And as a result it will keep showing up. Keep challenging me until I answer its call and just do it. Just face it and let it move through me such that I may look back and see it is behind me as I am hoping my fear of escalators will be no more after this week.
And even if the fear is still there, I am not allowing it to hamper me from moving on. Because in doing so, I am learning to let go and let be. Wish me luck on those monster escalators today.
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