Choice taken away from me

Running here and there. Searching here and there. Too much to do. So little time. Deadlines loom.  Tired. Restless. Exhausted. Until my body collapses under my own rushing. Collapses from going too much. Doing too much. Trying to be all things to all people except myself. Until my body gives out. Tired of crying out for rest. It takes it itself. Forcing me to stop. Forcing me to rest. As it did yesterday.

I woke up yesterday morning congested, fatigued and dizzy. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and sleep. To close my eyes and remain behind my closed lids in the world of in-between. In the world where imaginations are free to roam. Where thought is free to be what it wants to be.

My body had been warning me since Friday that it was not well. That it needed time to repair itself. But I was just too busy to listen to it so I kept ignoring it. Pushing the warnings to the background. Saturday the warnings became more urgent. My head was heavy. Throat sore. Eyes swollen. Muscles ached but I still did not listen. I had too much to do. Ailments could not stop me. I forged on.

Until Sunday when my body gave out. My cells had worked too hard to keep me going. My limbs too weak to lift up. My soul saying enough. Go to bed. Stay in bed. So I acquiesced. I had no choice. Nothing was right. Nothing felt right. Except rest. So I slept and slept.

And then I got a surprise on top of my cold and flulike symptoms, my menopause that I thought I had completed, paused as well. Giving me back my chance of becoming a mother again. A phase of my life I thought had ended. So there I was in bed with cramps and pain too. Wondering what in the world was going on with me. Was I regressing instead of progressing was that what the Universe was trying to tell me. That I needed to be more present rather than everywhere but where I was meant to be.

I lay in bed all day yesterday. Letting go of the desire to be doing instead just being. Sleeping and listening to my body, mind and spirit. Watching For Coloured Girls only. A movie I always wanted to see. Seeing that when we make choices that aren’t good for us. When we know they are not good for us, they eventually come back to haunt us. Frighten us. Take away things we always wanted. Take away the very things that mean the most to us. So we need to be careful about the choices we continue to make because they may lead us down a path we never intended to take.

As I learnt yesterday when my body took control off my mind and collapsed under the fatigue of me trying to be everything to everyone else but to myself. Allowing me the opportunity to watch a movie. Something I have not done for a long time. Without guilt to feeling I needed to be anywhere else but where I was.