Yesterday I was forced to confront the fact that expectation can kill a good thing! I have been wearing more colours and glorifying in them. Basking in the compliments that I am receiving about wearing colours. So much so I was getting to the point that I really believed that no matter what I was feeling deep in my soul, no matter how tired I was, spent in fact, just putting on a colour would help to lift my spirits.
Well that all came to a screeching halt yesterday when the fact that I have been going nonstop came and slapped me squarely in the face. I woke up yesterday morning feeling groggy, tired, grouchy. I just wanted to put my head back down on my pillow, pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away. But I couldn’t because I had an obligation yesterday with my daughter. So begrudgingly I got up and got dressed. Putting myself in bright pink thinking it would help to take some of the fatigue out of my body.
As I was driving I could feel a sense of weariness creeping through my being. Feeling like I was a spectator in my life rather than a participant in my life. I shrugged the feelings aside. Denying I could be feeling that way particularly since I had on bright pink. But I couldn’t.
I sat on the sidelines for most of the day dreaming that I was in my bed curled up reading my book. I tried really hard to shake the feelings but I couldn’t. I kept looking down at the pink thinking how ridiculous I looked in that colour. How I felt so much like a peacock. Getting angry with myself by the minute for the conflict about colours that was racing through my mind.
By the time I got home I felt like I hadn’t done a thing I wanted to do all weekend long so I snapped at my family, snapped at myself and then felt like a complete failure to everyone including myself.
It wasn’t until I showered. Lingering in the shower for quite some time. Letting the thoughts, images, recollections of the day filter through my mind that I realised what my problem was. I expected colours to lift me out of the days when I just don’t feel like it. Rather than accepting that some days I won’t feel like it. As the water ran down my body I realised it’s okay some days to just not feel like it. And no matter what colour I put on, they won’t change the way I am feeling.
As I cleansed my body I also cleansed my soul knowing that it’s expectation that kills the moment. It drives us over the edge. Making us falsely believe we have reached our destination before we get there. Rather than seeing by placing expectations on outcomes, we have missed the journey that happens in between. The journey I was supposed to have yesterday unfolded exactly the way it was meant to but it took me longer to get there because I was so focused on the destination that I forgot to enjoy the journey along the way.
No matter what colour I have on, if I place expectations on the way I am meant to feel, I am defeating the purpose of choosing to be in that colour for the day. Everything in moderation allows us to relinquish control over how things are supposed to be. So if I want to wear all black one day perhaps it’s because I need to but forcing myself into colours just because I think they will shift my consciousness is not the way to go either. I have to go with what feels right for me for that day and go for it. Only then will the colours I choose matter the most. Because that choice would be a choice based on how I am really feeling on the inside and will resonate more with my soul. If I force it as I did yesterday then all I am doing is setting myself up for disappointment. And for that lesson I am truly grateful.
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