Learning to stop pursuing to allow space for receiving

I don’t know about you but this has been a very strange week for me. A week of searching, seeking and trying to understand who I am and where I am going. A week of questioning , probing. A week of great uncertainty. Where my emotions have been all over the place. Sometimes calm. Others times taking on everyone else’s energy and emotions then flying off the handle.

I have used meditation quite a lot this week to center myself. Refocus. Asking the Universe for guidance. I’m usually a person that can make decisions without too much effort as long as I have the information I need to make decisions. But this week I have found myself faltering. Not making decisions as fast as I would like. Not finding the information I need. Nothing resonating within me.

So this morning I decided to sleep in. To miss the sun rising. To just stay cocooned in bed. Letting my worries and concerns stream through my mind. Unfiltered. Without stopping them. Just letting them come as they saw fit.  Surprised by how many there were. Taking them in.

Through this process I realized at the heart of my uncertainty is the fact that I am worrying about tomorrow. About the fact that I am nearing 50 and my life is not where I thought it was going to be. Leaving me wondering about how much time I have left to fulfill my dreams. To show myself and my children how great the mind is as long as we believe.  To understand that as long as we believe, as long as we stretch our imaginations, as long as we keep working toward our dreams, we will achieve them.

But my question is, what if the life we dream of is not what we are meant to achieve? What if we keep searching for something that constantly seems to be beyond our reach? What happens then? Do we abandon that dream or do we just keep going where we are and hope that like the butterfly, if we stand still long enough it will flutter to us and land on our shoulder?

Is that what life is teaching me? That I need to give up pursuing and instead try receiving as much as I can. That I need to be patient and let life find me rather than me trying to find it. Is that why I slept in this morning so I could understand that sometimes we just need to be right where we are in the present moment in order to receive what we are meant to receive. That if we are constantly moving in all different directions, changing tactics and trying to reach our end goal before we are ready then we will end up frustrating ourselves and others around us?

That all we need is ask once and then let go and if what we ask for is meant for us we will achieve it. I am going to try to let go. To surrender. Accepting sometimes I won’t be able to because I am human and infallible. That I am full of imperfections and hopes and dreams. To learn to trust I am as I am because I am. Allowing myself to surrender to the abundance and treasures of the Universe to give myself space to receive.

Here’s to a lazy Saturday – giving myself permission to just be….

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Our flaws are our greatest teachers

I caught myself last night being the kind of mother I don’t like to be. Yelling. Dismissive. Chastising. Angry. Disappointed. But mostly feeling a sense of not being good enough at anything.

After my children went to bed, probably feeling a little deflated by my actions, I sat down and breathed and I understood my family was feeling the brunt of my anxieties about an unfulfilled day at work. A day when everything I touched seemed to go in a completely different direction to what I had anticipated. Leaving me to have to put out fire after fire.

I realized the importance of checking myself at the door. Realizing the importance of leaving what doesn’t belong in my home outside that door before I walk in. But I also know I am human and will from time to time falter because I am not perfect. The irony of my actions last night with my children was because I felt imperfect I wanted more than anything for them to be perfect. So I was judging them in such a way that demanded perfection from them. I realized I was transferring the fact that I had been imperfect and judged by others for being so onto my children. Asking them to be something even I can’t be all the time. To perform at a level even I can’t all the time.

I went to bed last night feeling horrible. I was particularly concerned about some of the things I said to my son because I had been frustrated with him for procrastinating and doing his homework at the last minute and not completing it to my standards. I realized that I need to reframe the way I say things to him because my standards are not his standards. He has his own way of thinking and I have no right to belittle him for that. Regardless of whether I am his mother.

Instead of criticizing him what I need to be doing is redirecting him. Instead of threatening him with failure I should be finding ways to encourage him with success. Terms like, “if you don’t do this, you will fail” need to be replaced with, “how about if you tried it this way”. Instead of suggesting and planting fear, negativity and failure in his brain I need to suggest positivity and success. Sowing seeds of possibility rather than impossibility.

Last night I realized more than ever that a lot of our feelings and reactions come from a place of ego and fear and they are not good feelings to transfer to anyone else particularly the developing minds of our young people. Particularly on our children. They learn more from us through osmosis than we believe.

This morning I woke up recognizing my behavior and forgiving myself for it making space in my heart and soul to acknowledge I am not perfect and sometimes things go beyond my control. In turn allowing me to see my children are not perfect either and sometimes they won’t do what I expect. But it’s not up to me to make them feel inadequate. It’s up to me to try to find a way to encourage them to be the best they can be not by threatening them with failure but by encouraging them with success. And the only way I can do so is to check myself before entering their space. Or anyone's space for that matter.

Recognising it is our flaws are our greatest teachers so why try to take them from anyone - particularly the growing minds of our children?.

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A miracle unexplained

Do you believe that death is final? Do you ever wonder what happens to us once we die? Do you believe in spirits? In angels?  Ghosts?  The haunted and the hunted?

Do you believe that we keep coming back here to learn lessons and when we’re done there is nothing more to come back for? Do you wonder why we are here? What caused us to come here and why we would want to be here facing so many trials?

Do you wonder what is beyond the sky, the stars and moon? Do you wonder whether there truly is a parallel universe? Do you question what our human race has been brought here to do?

I do often. Wondering how we fit into this large, mysterious, and infinite universe. Why we fit into it. I question sometimes how we can stand up and walk without falling over. I marvel at the miracle that is us.  Questioning who or what could have come up with the concept of us and why?

Then I think we must be from the same origin – from the same space and place. Sharing a commonality of some measure.Yet we sometimes turn on each other. Why?

Why do we come here living in different parts of the world? Speaking different languages. Having varying colors of skin. Growing up with different experiences and cultures. Of varying wealth and poverty and somewhere in between. Why?

Do you wonder why we go for material gain rather than spiritual gain? Why we have made life so complicated piling more onto our plates than we can ever handle or eat or even care to. Why we torture ourselves?

Sometimes I look at the street people and wonder if they have life sussed out because they seem to get the concept of present moment living. While we struggle - projecting ourselves into an unknown future. Whereas they don’t conform to anyone’s pressures but their own. Just being. Asking for money to get their next meal. I look at my cousin who is schizophrenic and walks around the streets asking for money and I don’t see any stress in his eyes. His thoughts trapped within the recesses of his brain. Not concerned about mortgages, jobs, pressures. Does he have it right? Is my life really that much different from his?

And then I sit back and think about my questions. Really pondering them. And my only consistent answer is that we have been sent here to understand that no matter how different we are, no matter what we believe or think, we are all here to accept diversity on the outside. But hopefully get that on the inside we are all the same. That we all want to love and to be loved. To be heard and understood. To be acknowledged. To learn empathy and compassion. To share. To teach and learn. To understand we are one race – the human race here on this plane for a finite amount of time in order to grasp all we can about the physical being to prepare us for something much more. For the day when we truly understand and embrace our soul.

Still there is so much I don’t understand and never will but I figure as long as I keep questioning and searching and learning and teaching eventually I will find the answers. But in the meantime I will continue to marvel at the miracle that is us. The journey of this adventure called life and its great mystery. Appreciating every moment I am given. Every person that crosses my path. Every encounter I face. Accepting I am a part of this great mystery – a miracle unexplained but wonderful nonetheless.

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Trusting we are as we are because we are

Sometimes we just have to let go. Not hold on to old childhood fears. Not worry about things we can not control. Sometimes we just have to surrender without expectation. Without judgment. Sometimes we just have to go with the flow and not worry about what comes in the next second or moment. Remembering always that time is not promised to anyone. To live each second of each day as if it was our last. To rejoice in the moment we have been given. To marvel in it. To be grateful for every second.

Sometimes we have to spread our arms wide. Inviting all of the outside fresh air in.  Absorbing all of nature into our mind, bodies and soul. Allowing us to inhale the freshness of new beginnings. Exhaling the staleness of the old. Sometimes we just have to stop and give thanks for all that we have. To think of all the good in our lives rather than wallowing in all the bad.

Sometimes we just have to believe we are worthy of all that comes into our lives allowing us to open to all that much more that is out there. Sometimes we just have to accept that life will have its ups and down so we can appreciate when we are up.

Sometimes we just have to stop. Stand still. Close our eyes. And truly surrender to the darkness behind our eyelids. Shutting out all that is around us so that we can listen to all that is within us. Surrendering to the music of our souls. The beat of our own rhythm. The pulse that flows only through us. Allowing us to see and feel our individuality. To embrace all that is us. Loving ourselves for who we are, where we are and what we are. Sometimes we just have to trust that we are as we are because we are.

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Mountaintops and valleys and everything in between

What do we do when possibility stares us down? What do we do when life gives us the chance to start all over again? When our history has been wiped away forcing us to start anew? What happens then? How do we overcome the tests, the fears, our shadow selves, and the darkness? And why does it happen just when we think we have reached the mountaintop?

I know I am constantly talking about my computer crashing and I need to let it go but I can’t at the moment. To be absolutely honest I am finding this whole process of reinventing my writing incredibly daunting. I miss the comfort of my past documents coming up when I hit the recent items tab. I absolutely miss the process of going back to look at thoughts I had started and not completed to see whether I am ready to tackle them or not. I feel totally lost with this whole new hard drive.

I feel uncertain. Afraid almost. Panicked is an even better word because I literally have to think of something completely new every day. There is no going back. No checking. No touchstone.  I wake up feeling overwhelmed about what to write. Where to start. How to start. Panicking that maybe I am going to repeat something I have already written. Worried that I will sound like a broken record. Uncertain about redefining myself and my blog. This morning was especially daunting because I don’t understand why I am at this point. Don’t understand what the Universe is trying to teach me.

So I just started to write. Letting my thoughts flow. Without question. To see if through my meditative writing state I would find an answer. I would understand why my slate has been wiped clean. Why I have been forced to change direction.

And then it hit me. Like my hard drive being wiped cleaned, I am being forcefully shown that when we shed our old habits. When we get rid of our excess baggage. When we venture out into the unknown. Life is giving us the opportunity to embrace the new, the unfounded, the uncertain because it is allowing us to go beyond our boundaries. To feel and experience uncertainty. To try them on. Shed what doesn’t feel right and to keep moving and trying until we find that rhythm that resonates with us.

Allowing me to understand that change is the only constant in life. Sometimes it’s familiar and expected. Other times it’s unfamiliar and totally unexpected. And I am finding that when change comes out of the blue as it did with my job shutting down unexpectedly, as it did when my mother died sudddenly, that it was setting me up to move in directions I never dreamed possible. Because unexpected change forces me to really test my boundaries, to really face my dark side, my shadow self, to forge ahead into the unknown. And eventually the path that I am meant to be on appears right before my eyes and what I realize then is that it has always been there – waiting and beckoning me to see and understand that no matter what happens in life, it is up to me to decide whether change will make or break me. If I will embrace it and learn from it and grow into a stronger and more empathetic person.

My computer crashing is my latest test to show me  how important it is every once in a while to move beyond the familiar, to wipe my slate clean, in order to make way for the possibilities that exist beyond the realm of my old way of thinking. To stretch my imagination to tap into new recesses of my brain. To accept that if I don’t listen to my inner voice and willingly move in its direction then the Universe will shift me anyway and always when I least expect it.

Because I now know when I reach the mountaintop, it is time to start anew. To learn again because life is all about mountaintops and valleys and everything in between. A journey. A process. Shedding and Learning. Learning and Shedding.

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Letting go and letting be

Last night I was feeling down in the dumps because this weekend flew by and I did not give myself the opportunity to do anything I wanted for myself. I was busy doing for everyone else but me. I was also feeling the blues because my hard drive has been replaced but the majority of my documents have been lost. Leaving me feeling lost. Like I have lost part of my inner soul. And just when I was starting to really feel like a victim, I checked myself. Telling myself that life could be a lot worse.  Reminding myself of all I have to be grateful for:

Waking up this morning

Love

My children

My husband

All my family healthy and happy

 Living in a beautiful place and home

The sun shining bright today

The birds singing

Happy and content children

Having a computer

Finding some of my documents

Having the ability to write

Writing

Earning a good standard of living

Living and Breathing

Food to eat – abundance on my table

Abundance in my life

And once I realized and accepted just how much I have to be grateful for, a miracle happened. My mind set shifted and I could breathe again. I felt at peace with all that I had lost. Once I allowed that feeling of peace in, miraculously I found a link on my computer that took me to a drive I had forgotten about which led me to the piece of writing I had been looking for. Hands shaking I opened the document and there it was – preserved and waiting for me. I could almost hear the voice of angels as I felt my faith renewed. Hope restored. Joy in every measure.

Chills ran up and down my spine once I found the document. So much so that I sat back in my chair inhaling the feeling of truly understanding surrender. Of truly understanding the need to release all that we cannot control. Of not holding on to the negative. Of believing in magic and miracles, fairies and unicorns, Santa Claus and tooth fairies. Of accepting there is so much out there we don’t and will never understand but as long as we practice surrender and faith, when we least expect it, a miracle will show up in our lives as it did for me last night. Restoring my faith in the Universe to surrendering to all that I have no control over. Giving me hope that when the time is right, we always get what we need.

What a way to begin a new week – full of faith, hope, possibility and trust. And most of all understanding the importance of letting go and letting be.

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Love is powerful beyond measure

Last night my husband and I attended a tribute concert to John Lennon in the Botanical Gardens. A fitting place for the tribute because we were sitting in the very garden where Lennon found his muse the double fantasy freesia, a beautiful flower, allowing him to tap into his creativity again. It was in the garden we sat last night that he composed his last album before he was killed. Aptly titled Double Fantasy.

The weather forecast had predicted a stormy night at first with two fronts approaching Bermuda but the stormy weather never came. A few times the moon was obscured by heavy threatening clouds. Only for them to be magically dispersed. And occasionally rain misted down on us. Almost as if to refresh us rather than soak us.

Once the show began the sky cleared leaving us unobstructed views of a sky blanketed with twinkling stars and a perfect crescent moon resting amongst them. The air a perfect temperature.  Looking around at all the people who had come to take in the Lennon feeling of love filled me with joy. Some setting up picnics on the hill as families. Others like us going as friends to relive our youth. Letting loose and enjoying the love and joy freely flowing through the crowd.

I could feel Lennon’s spirit shining down on us. His presence, I believe, a large factor for chasing away the stormy weather. Making way for a picturesque setting against the backdrop of an unobstructed night sky.  Allowing the perfect conditions for everyone to have a great time.

Sitting there last night taking in the atmosphere absorbing the love so prevalent throughout the crowd. Looking from face to face. I realized just how quickly life can change no matter our social standing. No matter who we are. Reminding me, we are never immune from the hands of fate. We never know when our last day will come. Reminding me to live as if each second, each moment is my last. Reminding me to be love, give love and receive love.

I wondered as I watched the slide show of Lennon with his then young son, who is now a man himself, whether he knew he was on borrowed time when he took his last voyage to Bermuda. I wondered if he had a feeling deep down inside compelling him to sail here with his son. I wondered if he wanted to give his son a gift to remember him always. I wondered if these feelings allowed him to open to a deeper part of himself. A part of himself he had sheltered before. I wondered if his new found love of life and self allowed him to write again after 5 years of writer’s block.

To allow his son and us to know no matter what, all we need is love. No matter how desperate the situation we may find ourselves in, love will always take us out of it.

For him to die having found  love so profoundly and deeply as he did in his last year of life was probably worth more to him than the fame he had acquired his whole life. I looked around the garden and at the stars twinkling in the sky and whispered thank you to Lennon for reminding me just how powerful love can really be. So powerful that I believe it pushed all the bad weather away last night. And allowed us to enjoy a night of Lennon and love.

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