What do we do when possibility stares us down? What do we do when life gives us the chance to start all over again? When our history has been wiped away forcing us to start anew? What happens then? How do we overcome the tests, the fears, our shadow selves, and the darkness? And why does it happen just when we think we have reached the mountaintop?
I know I am constantly talking about my computer crashing and I need to let it go but I can’t at the moment. To be absolutely honest I am finding this whole process of reinventing my writing incredibly daunting. I miss the comfort of my past documents coming up when I hit the recent items tab. I absolutely miss the process of going back to look at thoughts I had started and not completed to see whether I am ready to tackle them or not. I feel totally lost with this whole new hard drive.
I feel uncertain. Afraid almost. Panicked is an even better word because I literally have to think of something completely new every day. There is no going back. No checking. No touchstone. I wake up feeling overwhelmed about what to write. Where to start. How to start. Panicking that maybe I am going to repeat something I have already written. Worried that I will sound like a broken record. Uncertain about redefining myself and my blog. This morning was especially daunting because I don’t understand why I am at this point. Don’t understand what the Universe is trying to teach me.
So I just started to write. Letting my thoughts flow. Without question. To see if through my meditative writing state I would find an answer. I would understand why my slate has been wiped clean. Why I have been forced to change direction.
And then it hit me. Like my hard drive being wiped cleaned, I am being forcefully shown that when we shed our old habits. When we get rid of our excess baggage. When we venture out into the unknown. Life is giving us the opportunity to embrace the new, the unfounded, the uncertain because it is allowing us to go beyond our boundaries. To feel and experience uncertainty. To try them on. Shed what doesn’t feel right and to keep moving and trying until we find that rhythm that resonates with us.
Allowing me to understand that change is the only constant in life. Sometimes it’s familiar and expected. Other times it’s unfamiliar and totally unexpected. And I am finding that when change comes out of the blue as it did with my job shutting down unexpectedly, as it did when my mother died sudddenly, that it was setting me up to move in directions I never dreamed possible. Because unexpected change forces me to really test my boundaries, to really face my dark side, my shadow self, to forge ahead into the unknown. And eventually the path that I am meant to be on appears right before my eyes and what I realize then is that it has always been there – waiting and beckoning me to see and understand that no matter what happens in life, it is up to me to decide whether change will make or break me. If I will embrace it and learn from it and grow into a stronger and more empathetic person.
My computer crashing is my latest test to show me how important it is every once in a while to move beyond the familiar, to wipe my slate clean, in order to make way for the possibilities that exist beyond the realm of my old way of thinking. To stretch my imagination to tap into new recesses of my brain. To accept that if I don’t listen to my inner voice and willingly move in its direction then the Universe will shift me anyway and always when I least expect it.
Because I now know when I reach the mountaintop, it is time to start anew. To learn again because life is all about mountaintops and valleys and everything in between. A journey. A process. Shedding and Learning. Learning and Shedding.
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