Lately my energy levels have been off. Like I don’t know where to put myself. Or what I am feeling. I believe it still has something to do with the fact that I am having difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. It’s so dark with this time change that all I want to do is stay in bed.
The darkness feels oppressive. Heavy. Making me feel vulnerable and somewhat nervous about what lies ahead. I know I write about staying in the moment. Not projecting. But the reason why I write these things is because I am trying to remind myself. To pull myself back to present moment living.
I read something very interesting the other day. There is no such thing as the present because it is gone before we can speak it. Instead of me feeling better I felt overwhelmed. If there is no such thing as the present moment then how am I supposed to live it? Frustrating is this journey called life.
This morning was particularly hard for me to get up despite being wide awake at 5 am listening to the rooster making as much noise as his lungs would allow. I just could not motivate myself to get out of bed. I watched the minutes ticking by on the clock. The redness of the digits slipping by. But still I could not make myself get out of bed.
Then when I did, all the routines I normally do were turned upside down. My morning meditation DVD jammed and shut my computer down. Knocking me off even more. It was right at the part where I start to feel peace and then my computer made a funny noise and the screen went black and shut down. Further jarring my nerves.
There is so much change going on around me at the moment. So much outside of my control that I feel like I am a ship without a sail. Floating aimlessly. Trying to find my way. I decided to put my feelings down today. To put them out there so the universe can hear my inner turmoil and conflict. And I’m glad I did because already I can feel some pressure releasing. Some of the fear seeping out of me.
My typing is slowing down as I can feel something positive starting to flow through me. Something telling me to hang in there. Not to worry that soon this darkness will give way to the light. That soon I will understand all the change that is happening around me and to me. That I cannot control everything because that’s not what life is all about. That change is the only constant in life. And I can do nothing to stop it. All I can change is the way I react to it.
I just wish these dark mornings will hurry up and end. And here’s the certainty, they will. I just have to be patient with them and with my life.
Amazingly after I write this down, I heard this song by Snatam Kaur, “I am the light, light, light of my soul. I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am bliss. I am. I am.” Letting me know that once we ask for help from the Universe, truly ask, it sends us what we need. Reminding me only I am the light of my soul.
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