What a difference a year can make

One year ago yesterday was when I was told my job would be shutting down. Not in a year’s time. Not in a month’s time. But in two weeks.

I remember feeling like the sound had been cut off around me. I remember feeling like the wind had been knocked out of my sails. I remember thinking about all the people that had joined the organisation in part because of me. I remember feeling incredibly sad and afraid. I remember hanging up the telephone from my boss after being told I was not to tell anyone what he had just told me because no one was supposed to know, looking up at the ceiling and finding it hard to breathe.

I picked up my bags flung my office door open. Shouting good night and have a great weekend to everyone then turning to walk out. I could see the look of shock on the face of my Assistant because I was leaving before 5. I could not look her in the eye when she asked if everything was okay. I just needed to get out of there so I could breathe.

I remember driving home in a daze. No words could express the pain and humiliation I felt as I drove. The drive feeling like it took an eternity. I remember driving shakily into my drive. My husband standing outside. I remember collapsing into his arms as the tears streamed down my face. My body shaking. The whole world around me seeming dull, grey, cruel. Like the colours had been snuffed out. Like the air had become oppressive.

Telling him between sobs what I had just been told. Letting the pain flow out of me into him. Seeing the mask come over his eyes. Knowing this was the easy part. Knowing that on the Monday 16 people would be told their lives were about to change through no fault of their own except  the choice they had made to work for the company.

I remember pulling myself together. Fear replaced with anger. Waves of guilt. Waves of fear. Waves of anger. Waves of disbelief. Going into auto pilot trying to find a solution a way out of the mess. But I couldn’t I was too fragile.

That was a year ago yesterday and though I thought my world was shattered. My dreams destroyed. My pride wounded. I am still standing. Stronger than before. Open to the Universe now. Grateful for the experience I had with the people I did because I learnt so much about life from them and the experience of being publicly humiliated and rejected. And the simple truth that I know as Whitney said but I embrace, “I wasn’t built to break.”