Here it is one year later and my daughter is once again trying out for the Pantomime production despite not getting in last year. She said she will keep trying until she gets in. She was up bright and early ready. Ready to take on the challenge. With me telling her not to be upset if she doesn’t get in. To be proud of herself for just trying. To do her best and to have fun.
She didn’t want me to make a fuss over her. She wanted to choose her own outfit and do her own hair. I guess she wanted to feel like she was in control over what happened to her today. To feel responsible for every aspect of her audition. Not to let anyone interfere. So I acquiesced. Stepped aside and let her get herself ready both mentally and physically. And I have to admit she did look really cute when she emerged from her room all dressed and ready. My heart swelling with pride as I realised how independent and determined she is becoming. Ready to take on the world in her own way without anyone’s influence. And she’s only 9.
Then her shadow self emerged once we got there. Putting fear back into her soul. We were the first ones in to complete the forms and she got the first number and her face crumbled. Her self confidence disintegrating before my eyes.
“What’s wrong?”I asked.
“I don’t want to be first,” she said. “I don’t like being first. I want to be number 3.”
And then I had to check myself because I could feel anger rising up in me as I wondered how she could flip flop in that instant. Breathing through it and letting my ego go. Realising she is only 9 years old and had been preparing all along for the audition. And now it was upon her and she was going to be in there first before she had time to digest that the time had finally come. Realising it was her own insecurity rising to the surface making her believe she was going to fail.
As I was telling her that she stood a better chance of being selected by being in the first group, a friend who knows a lot about theatre came out and gave her a pep talk and some advice about how to handle herself. Our friend took my daughter by her hand and told me to leave so she could not feel so pressured. My little girl still looking terrified looked at me and said, “Go mommy.”
Looking her in the eye and seeing the determination behind the fear, I knew it was okay to leave. Felt it would be better for us both. I told her to just have fun. To do the best she can and be her usual sunny self. She nodded her head. Then turned and ran down the steps without looking back and I walked away hoping she will be okay. Shaking like a leaf but sending her love and light. Surrendering to the fact that this audition is up to her and if it is in her cards, she will be selected. If not, as she said, she will keep trying until she makes it or doesn’t want to do it anymore.
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