My absolute worst nightmare happened last night. My hard drive failed on my computer! And I am so lost without all the thoughts I had started to write. And I’m not sure if my removable drive is working either. I was so upset and tired that I just went to bed. I woke up this morning with the hope that it was just a fluke last night. That I would be able to turn my computer on and it would be working again. No such luck. It's dead and I am devastated beyond words.
My computer is like an appendage to me. Full of my thoughts. Partially written blogs. A gateway to helping me to understand me and now I may have lost them all. In an instant. I will have to wait until my son wakes up to know just how bad it is for me as he is better than I am for getting around the computer. I am good but compared to him I am like a dinosaur.
I feel like a part of me has been ripped out and I don’t understand why this happened to me now. When I was so on a groove this week with thoughts that were almost at the stage for release in my blog. Now I can’t get to them. I am trying my best to keep it together. To breathe. To accept that the position I have found myself in is exactly where I am meant to be. But I am still angry, confused and slightly off because my mornings on my own with my computer provide me with a form of meditation and release. But not this morning.
I have been forced to seek an alternative – my husband’s computer. And I am grateful to have access to his computer so I can still write but it feels alien. Strange because it is not mine. Strange because it is not filled with me. It is filled with him. Even my writing is different today.
I don’t understand why my vehicle to my inner soul has been abruptly taken from me. And I am really trying hard to accept there is nothing that I can do about it now. To accept everything happens for a reason. To accept there is a season to everything. My computer’s season is obviously done and its death has taught me that we always have to remain open. To be ready to start anew. To find a new path.
I am telling myself I have been given the opportunity to start all over with a blank slate. To recreate my persona on another PC or lap top whichever way I decide to go. I’m disappointed that the decision was taken out of my hands unwillingly. Particularly since deep down inside I knew my computer was giving me warning signs that it was on its way out but I wouldn’t listen. Refused to listen. Refused to accept that a perfectly good looking computer on the outside could be severely damaged on the inside. So I would reboot it or get someone else to thinking I could continue to get more and more out of her. But she could not take it anymore and just shut down on me. So thinking about it why am I surprised? I am in this position because I did not take heed of the warning signs.
So I am breathing through this because I know my computer is showing me something about my life. Teaching me an invaluable lesson. Teaching me that when we don’t take heed of the warning signs. When we don’t listen to that inner voice. When we plow ahead onto paths that are difficult for us. When we don’t take care of our insides regardless of how good we look on the outside. Eventually we will face a road block. A death. A sense of not belonging. Forced unprepared to face what the universe has been telling us all along. Rather than listening and making the necessary adjustments to allow us to be prepared. To start anew on our own terms rather than on forced terms. Nothing in our lives happens by chance. And if we are truly honest with ourselves we always know where we are meant to be.
And Universe I get it now. Kicking and screaming but I get it. I will listen from now on because I don’t want to find myself in this position again anytime soon. And for this lesson of listening to my inner voice, taking care of my insides as well as my outside, taking heed of the warning signs and following them I am truly grateful. Painfully so. But grateful nonetheless.
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