Do we have the right to stop our children from doing something they really want? Do we have the right to take their dreams away from them? Are we meant to stir them out of harm’s way or are we meant to let them get in harm’s way so they can learn their own lessons?
My daughter wants to be an actress, model and a beauty contestant. And she is really beautiful but she is only 9 years old. Am I meant to let her go and do what resonates with her or am I meant to hold her back and let her develop the other aspects of who she is so she understands her looks are not everything.
I remember how unkind many of the pretty girls were when I was young. How they looked down on those of us who were considered plain. How they used their looks for everything before they understood who they were and as they have aged and their looks have started to fade they seem lost because they can no longer use their looks to get what they want. I don’t want that experience for my daughter. I want her to understand there is more to life than looks.
I came into my looks much later in my life probably when I was about 25. I grew up in the era when women and girls with chocolate skin such as mine were looked down upon or overlooked all together. I used to feel like the invisible woman flailing her arms trying to attract attention. To no avail. But during that time of being the invisible woman, I was able to develop a deeper sense of who I am. And more importantly I learned compassion, empathy and forgiveness. Will my daughter learn these aspects if she is so focused on what she looks like rather than on who she is on the inside?
I would like to see my daughter develop her whole self before she becomes too caught up in the way she looks. But do I have the right to kill her dreams? To make her believe her choices are trivial compared to mine? Do I have the right to stymie who she really is because I’m afraid of what can happen to her? Do I have the right to make her second guess herself particularly when she looks at me with those eyes full of hope and dreams and says, “But mommy, this is who I am.” Do I have the right to kill that or do I just let her go and be who she really is and be there to catch her when she needs me?
That last sentence resonated the most with me so I think I’ll just let her be. Not stopping her from being who she wants but guiding her at the same time to be her whole self. And the only way to do that is to lead by example rather than by telling. To let her see that any girl or woman can be gracious and kind regardless of what she looks like by my actions and advice. To teach her that every person on this Earth is here for a reason and to treat them in the manner she wants to be treated by my actions not my telling.
She is such a blossom at the moment, ripe for the picking and I just want to help her to be as whole as she can be as it is a cold cold world out there sometimes. And I would hate for her innocence to be shattered so early in life when she has her whole life ahead of her. More importantly, I don’t want to be responsible for shaping her into someone she is not because this is her life – full of her own dreams and desires - regardless of whether they are contrary to mine.
Because as Jess Lair says, “Children are not things to be molded, but are people to be unfolded.”
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